Hope After Betrayal

Couples in affair recovery who are eventually able to trust each other, have done so slowly and deliberately. There is a dedication. A focus. And after years of working with one couple and another, I see each new relationship as its own work of art. A work of simplicity. Even though the road there had serious ups and downs…and extraordinary pain. The path forward is like hiking. One step at a time. Each new stone that must be trod. The heat that threatens to take you down. Each new incline. Each new seemingly uncrossable hitch in the road. The quiet that begins to develop. The peace after so much time and effort. It is a meditation on repentance. On humility. On acceptance of being human. Walking…and weaving…weaving a self together. Weaving a soul back together. And then weaving a bridge back to each other.

The Bridge at Q’Eswachaka

Every year three Incan communities come together in June to remake the bridge at Q’Eswachaka. They cut down the old bridge from the year before and weave a new one across the canyon. The process is deliberate, painstaking, and slow. It takes everyone from each of these communities to complete the process. The most compelling part of this engineering feat is the preparation of the cords, ropes, and cables that make up the foundation of the bridge. Each rope twisted together into small braids, then twisted together into larger ropes consisting of 30 of these braids. Three of these fat ropes are then braided into the large cables. Once the cables are braided together, 40 or 50 men pull and stretch the cables as if in a tug-of-war. The cables must be pulled and stretched to strengthen them. Unless they are tested, the final bridge would sag and become dangerous to walk on.

Much like the work on the self during affair recovery, you must be pulled and stretched. You must be made into something strong and dependable. Both of you. Where I think couples can get into trouble is when people are stretched too thin. They are stretched beyond their limits. Beyond what is helpful…and strengthening. The good news is that there are things you might be able to do now that will help you get closer to the strength you each need to develop.

One of the most common ways I see people being stretched beyond their limits is when they are trying to get to trust too quickly. The most common manifestation of this is when the partner who has been betrayed is working, consciously or not, to force the truth out of their spouse. It’s a vicious loop you might be caught in even now. Perhaps you ask them a question, and something just doesn’t feel right. They look away or the tone changes or perhaps you have data they don’t know you have. You are testing them. You want to know they will tell you the truth from here on out. You want to know…you can trust them. It’s hard to face the fact that you don’t. You…don’t…trust…them. And you don’t know what that means for the relationship. Not trusting them feels so profoundly painful, you want to do something about it. You don’t know how a relationship can go forward without trust. So you test. You search. You may even call it an effort to rebuild trust. You want to see if it’s really true—if you really can’t trust them…when you already know…that you don’t. Accepting that doesn’t hinder progress. It propels you forward. Because it’s honest. Because it takes courage. And, if nothing else, trust takes courage. Like a lighthouse on a stormy sea, endlessly sweeping its beam across the waters, you might feel like you are searching for something that could be lurking just beyond the horizon, even though the storm before you is evident. You check every text, every email, every ATM withdrawal to see if there are any exceptions. Any possibility that there is hope. The hope lies not in whether they are telling the truth, but in whether you can accept your own truth. If you can face and accept your own truth—that you no longer trust them. You…don’t…trust…them. Do you trust yourself on that? Can you develop the courage to trust yourself?

If you can learn to accept that trust is truly broken, then you move to the next dilemma. How can you live day-to-day in a marriage without trust? Several clients I’m working with right now have come up with a solution. A temporary one, but still a solution. They consider the marriage they had to be over. The bridge has been cut down. And they are working on letting it go. They are learning to let go of chasing the spouse for facts. They are learning to trust themselves. And they are interacting from a place inside themselves that is still forming. A place of self-trust. A place where they are learning to say no. Where they are learning their limits. What they can and can’t do, say, think, and feel. Honoring their limits is strengthening. Stretching beyond them is weakening.

If you are stuck in your affair recovery, consider that it might be because you are resisting letting go of the old bridge. Resisting letting go of what is broken. Resisting venturing into unknown territory.

If you would like help with this letting go—or with this unknown territory—please reach out. There is work to be done here, and it’ll more productive and helpful for you and for your marriage than holding on to a bridge that is broken.

Let’s talk on the phone for a free 15-minute consultation to see if I can add something to the work you are doing. I think I can. And I think you will be propelled forward in your affair recovery work.

Fill out our contact form here: https://miriambellamy.com/golden-co/

Or reach out directly: 303-222-5118 OR mrbellamy924@gmail.com

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Is There Hope After Infidelity?

I get asked this question a lot. I answer it with a question: hope for what? Depending on the phase of affair recovery you are in, you may be hoping for different things. The early phases are disorienting. One or both of you may still be in shock. If you’re upside down and spinning in what might feel like a head on collision, what are you hoping for? It could be that the only thing you are capable of hoping for right now is for the spinning to stop. For your body to stop hurting. For sleep to return. For appetite to return. In my experience over 26 years of practice, this phase can take months. Prioritizing yourself and any self-care is a must. Therapy is essential—whether by yourself or as a couple.

If you are in the next phase of affair recovery, your biggest hope might be for your old life back. For the old relationship stability. Anything but this. You might be hoping for some semblance of trust to return…to know that what your spouse is saying to you is the truth. And so you ask your questions, over and over, looking for any anomalies. Searching for what fits and what doesn’t. You may check their phones. Their bank accounts. Their location. You want to know the truth. You want to have an inkling you can move forward on solid ground.

But you can’t quite get to it. You can’t quite feel things are OK or are going to be OK. Every time something doesn’t seem to fit. Every time you find out a new detail. Every time they turn from you instead of towards you. There’s a reason for this. There’s a reason you can’t get back to even a semblance of normal. It’s not because you are doing something wrong. It’s not because they are. It’s because you’re both trying to hold onto something that can’t be held. Trying to hold on to a relationship that has been broken. The painful yet hopeful truth is, letting go of that broken relationship is the key to building a new one.

The confusing bit is that there are still parts of that old relationship that remain intact. You have a history together. You may have kids. Extended families. Finances. Friends. You may even work together. All of that is still there, but you may not know what it means anymore. Learning what all of these things mean anew is a task for much later in your journey. For now, it helps people to push the pause button on this hope for the future of the relationship—for trust to return. And to replace that hope with a hope for yourself. For your own recovery. For learning to trust yourself again.

For learning…to trust…yourself again.

The most powerful affair recovery work

Learning to trust yourself is the quickest and most powerful way back to each other…if back to each other is where this is going to go. Trust in yourself has many different manifestations. It can look like a new ability to say no. It can look like you learning what your true values are and living them—even if it means disappointing others in your life. It can look like more open communication—letting others see what your true thoughts and feelings are. Whatever it is, it will be yours.

If this post was helpful to you, let me know. Send me an email or fill out the contact form. I’m here. And I want to help you. Let’s see if we are a good fit for the work you want to do.

For Colorado: https://miriambellamy.com/golden-co/

For Georgia: https://miriambellamy.com/marietta-ga/

Email: mrbellamy924@gmail.com

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For many people, their perception of PTSD comes from the way the media depicts it. Often, PTSD, or post-traumatic stress disorder, is shown as something that commonly impacts soldiers who go to war, police officers, firefighters, or paramedics.

Unfortunately, there are many more examples of what can cause PTSD. Some common instances of PTSD are car accidents, witnessing or being the victim of a crime, abuse of any kind, or surviving a natural disaster. It can happen to anyone, at any age, for any reason. Trauma, after all, is an emotional response to a highly distressing situation or event.

When it comes to infidelity, trauma is a normal yet agonizing and torturous reaction. If you think you are experiencing PTSD symptoms after infidelity, you are not alone.

Signs of PTSD

First, we’ll start with the basics of PTSD. No two people will experience PTSD after the affair in the same way. With that said, there are symptoms that people commonly experience. These may include:

• Flashbacks
• Nightmares
• Intrusive thoughts
• Insomnia
• Stomach aches
• Headaches
• Muscle tension
• Stimming (a range of repetitive movements and behaviors)
• Avoidant behaviors
• Anger, irritability, or rage
• Appetite changes
• Unhealthy coping mechanisms (such as alcohol or substance use)
• Withdrawing from support systems or social circles

Infidelity PTSD Symptoms

The phrase “broken heart” minimizes the real trauma caused by infidelity. Everything you thought you knew about your marriage now feels wrong. The disorientation is profound. In fact, you might look up the book: Post Infidelity Stress Disorder by Dennis C. Ortman.

You may have painful flashbacks. Or, you may have intrusive thoughts that you can’t get out of your mind. It’s not uncommon to experience symptoms similar to depression, such as appetite changes or loss of interest in activities. Panic attacks, extreme insomnia, and other health issues are not uncommon.

Experiencing any type of trauma leaves you stuck in a cycle of ruminating on painful thoughts. You might cycle through thousands of what-if questions or may even place the blame on yourself. “Maybe if I had just…or what if they had…” Treating trauma involves not only high-quality psychotherapy, it may also require direct support to heal the brain such as neurofeedback, psychedelic assisted psychotherapy, or EMDR—three proven methods for treating PTSD.

How to Move Forward After Infidelity

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

If you are like most couples, you are wondering if you should leave the marriage or stay and try to work it out. The more important question, however, isn’t should I stay or should I go. The more important question is: regardless of whether I stay or if I go, who will I become in this process? Who do I yearn to become? This is a question that infidelity counseling can help with. An unbiased third party can help you both address the underlying issues and find a peaceful resolution that will work for the betterment of you both. But treating the trauma directly will be key.

There is nothing like the perspective infidelity brings. Take your time. You don’t have to make big decisions now. Unless you are ready. Seeking help to navigate all the stages of healing and recovery—whether married or divorced—can give you the strength you need.

Learn more about overcoming infidelity PTSD with infidelity counseling or contact me to get started.

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If you are struggling in a marriage with infrequent or no sex, you are not alone. Sexual incompatibilities can cause deep tension and open conflict or can be a silent and lurking issue that is difficult to discuss. In either case, the loneliness and fear can be overwhelming at times.    

Since sex is often considered taboo to talk about, we don’t usually hear a lot of discussion about sexless marriages. Even though it isn’t talked about very much, sexless marriages or relationships are more common than many people are led to believe. We are often led to believe that physical intimacy is something that comes naturally and frequently for couples, but this isn’t true. Sexual intimacy takes work. Depending on you and your marriage, there are various considerations to be made. 

Ways to Begin to Address a Sexless Marriage:

1. Pause

The urge to fix things in a sexless marriage can be intense. Instead of jumping to solutions, first pause. Put effort into observing your emotional intensity. What are the feelings? What do you do with the feelings? 

2. Learn how to honor your emotions 

Karla McLaren, author of The Language of Emotions, proposes that emotions are one form of intelligence and that each emotion has a particular set of questions and messages for you. I recommend purchasing her book or looking for her short videos on YouTube. What needs to be honored? What needs to be restored?

3. Study the emotional vortex

The emotional vortex is a concept that’s been studied for decades now by family therapists. It is officially known as the family emotional system, but I call it the emotional vortex. It is the experience we have that our marital problems seem to have a life of their own. The more we try to change them, the more they seem to stay the same. The idea is that the whole is greater than the sum of the parts. And it’s the feeling that your marriage has YOU rather than you having it. It’s not pleasant, but it can be studied. There are predictable patterns you can identify. Four of them to be precise: distance, conflict, borrowed functioning, and emotional triangles. When you can begin to identify these patterns, you can begin to change them.

4. Deliberate Disruption

Real change occurs in four stages. The four stages of change. It starts with one person disrupting the status quo. It means that something has truly changed within them. Something they can no longer do. Something they can no longer hide. The predictable second stage is that there is a “change back” reaction. The emotional vortex rears up and says “don’t do that…don’t change the status quo.” Stage three involves a choice: does the person who has made the change stick with it? If they do it takes them to stage four which is change. If one person sticks with the changes that they are making, if they do not cave to the pressure, then the entire system starts functioning better. 

5. Therapy to help you stick with the changes

This is a complex process. An experienced therapist can help. You can go at your own pace. In fact, an experienced therapist will help you take conversations about this sensitive topic slowly and with dignity and respect.

Learn more about marriage counseling or contact me to get started!

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At some point, most people will go through something traumatic at least once in their life. While trauma, in general, is complex, someone can also experience C-PTSD.

Many first responders and others who have experienced trauma don’t like to call it a disorder though. The reactions they are experiencing do not denote a disorder but rather a normal response to trauma.

What Is PTSD or Just “Post Traumatic Stress”?

First, we’ll start with some basics. Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) occurs after someone experiences a highly emotional or distressing event. Some of the most common examples that can cause PTSD or post-traumatic stress are:

• Car accidents
• Witnessing or being the victim of a crime
• Surviving a natural disaster
• Sexual assault
• Death of a loved one

The common factor with all of these is that they are singular events. While many of these things can happen multiple times throughout somebody’s lifetime, the initial exposure is only once.

Signs of PTSD or Post Traumatic Stress

Now, even though those events are singular, that doesn’t mean they have little to no impact. The important thing to remember is that no two people will experience trauma in the same exact way. Common signs of post-traumatic stress may include:

• Nightmares
• Flashbacks
• “Stimming”
• Intrusive thoughts
• Insomnia
• Avoidance behaviors
• Muscle tension
• Appetite changes
• Gastrointestinal issues

What Is C-PTSD?

Above, we talked about events that are typically singular. While each situation is complex, C-PTSD or Complex Post Traumatic Stress refers to something different.

Complex post-traumatic stress is caused by continuous exposure to a certain situation or event. Some classic examples of this are:

• Childhood abuse
• Childhood neglect
• Domestic or physical abuse
• Emotional or verbal abuse
• Sexual abuse
• Being exposed to suffering such as a firefighter, police officer, or paramedic
• Being exposed to war, such as a soldier or a civilian

Signs of C-PTSD

In addition to the signs of PTSD we outlined above, someone who is experiencing C-PTSD may experience:

• Extreme irritability
• Dissociation
• Social isolation or withdrawal
• Development of unhealthy coping mechanisms such as drinking or substance abuse.

Can You Heal From C-PTSD?

While you may have been exposed to repeated trauma, that doesn’t mean you are stuck with the symptoms for the rest of your life. Healing from any trauma is possible.

In both PTSD and C-PTSD, healing won’t be an overnight process. As much as we wish it could be, the impact of trauma reaches far too deep to be a quick fix. One of the best and most effective ways to begin healing from trauma is through therapeutic intervention. However, although therapy is a great option, you can still do things independently in between sessions to help facilitate this process.

Effective Therapies for Treating Trauma

1. Therapy

People who have gone through something traumatic tend to blame themselves. They feel guilty and question themselves on what they could have done differently to prevent the trauma from occurring. Talk therapy with the right therapist is a powerful place to talk through and change this narrative.

2. Neuroptimal® Neurofeedback

Neuroptimal® neurofeedback is a unique approach in the field of neurofeedback. It is the most advanced algorithm and is based on the individual rather than on statistical norms or the skill of a practitioner. If you are interested in research, reach out to us. We have powerful studies from the Cloud Nine project assisting first responders to heal from trauma.

3. Theatre

Research supports theatre as a powerful intervention for healing from post-traumatic stress. Being able to take on other identities—to feel like a king or a queen or a simple farmer—can access and strengthen different parts of the brain to enhance healing.

4. EMDR

EMDR is a well-established approach to helping with post-traumatic stress. It seems like a strange approach, but research supports the results. Be sure to find a practitioner who is well trained and has years of experience with your particular kind of trauma.

5. Psychedelics

Psychedelic assisted psychotherapy is backed by decades of science. These medicines support the healing process for people who have often tried to find healing and relief for years. Please see our psychedelics information page to learn more.

The post What is Complex Trauma? appeared first on Miriam Bellamy.

You aren’t alone if you struggle to set boundaries in your relationship. Even when it comes to other types of relationships, like friendship, they aren’t easy to establish — especially if these boundaries weren’t set in the past.

The problem with boundaries is that we often assume that it’s about telling our partners what they can and can’t do. Nothing could be further from the truth. Boundaries are about us, what we can and cannot do.

When your partner is accustomed to you thinking, feeling, and acting in certain ways, new boundaries can be unsettling. They mark a turning point in a relationship. Establishing boundaries will help strengthen your relationship, but knowing how to do this is a completely different story.

How to Establish Boundaries In Your Relationship

Be Emotionally Honest

Emotional honesty is a core foundational skill that every relationship needs. Consider the times when you were going along with something that made you uncomfortable. Consider the interactions that make you feel anxious rather than peaceful or powerful.

Writing them down as you think about them might help. It is helpful to think about boundaries as the opposite of self-abandonment. They are rooted in self-respect. For example, you might let your partner know that you can’t cook dinner certain days of the week because you are overwhelmed. You might also let them know you can’t get the kids ready for school every day of the week. These are just examples.

Beginning with emotional honesty is a great first step to setting healthy boundaries. You aren’t doing anyone any favors by over extending yourself and then feeling resentful in the end.

Be Respectful

One component of setting healthy boundaries is being respectful toward your partner. When you are talking about important boundaries, remember to always show respect. Setting boundaries will only do you good if you follow this tip. Self-respect plus respectful communication.

It’s not uncommon for couples to approach the topic of boundaries with anger. They become frustrated when they think about how their wants and needs are unmet, and when the conversation pops up, it often begins more intensely than they’d like. Anger, in fact, is a signal that boundaries have been violated. It’s important to honor the emotion—and to honor your own boundaries without obliterating someone else’s.

Remember that if you haven’t verbally broached a specific topic, there could be a reaction from your partner. Even if you are respectful. In fact, if the boundary is enough of a change, you can count on their being a reaction from your partner. We call it the “change back” reaction. It is a pressure to not set your boundary and for things not to change. Expect this reaction. Be ready for it. If you can stick to your boundary without getting into criticism or emotional debate, your partner will most likely come to respect you and the new boundary.

Listen To Your Partner

Boundaries are not a one-way street. While your boundaries are important, so are your partner’s boundaries. Make sure that you consider your partner and their needs and wants.

Remember, Communication Isn’t Always Easy

Communication is a skill that takes time. Even if you have been together for a long time, there will be times when communication could be improved. There will be moments when you become reactive with each other or frustrated. This is normal. What’s important is revisiting the conversation when you are both calmer.

When learning to set boundaries with each other, understand that this is a process. Like everything else in life, it isn’t always going to run smoothly. However, when you both put in the effort, it will go a long way.

Consider Body Language and Tone

Yes, we verbalize our boundaries by expressing them out loud. The tone of your voice and body language also speaks volumes. Work towards observing yourself—and your spouse. Notice yourself. Notice them. Talk about the process. When couples talk about the process they are more successful at resolving problems.

For example, you can notice out loud that your voice is rising. You can say, “Oof, I’m noticing my tone of voice. I’m going to take a minute.” Or you can say, “Lord, I just realized I pointed my finger at you. Let me slow down here. What I mean to be communicating right now is…”

Your words may say one thing, but don’t discount the power of how you say them or what you do while you talk. Sometimes, it’s just as simple as rewording your phrases to come across differently or trying to relax in your seat.

Try Counseling

It’s common for a couple to become stuck in old cycles of not being emotionally honest, self-respectful or just plain respectful in their communication. If your relationship is struggling, you don’t need to stay stuck. Reach out to learn more about intensive couples therapy and how it can help strengthen your relationship.

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Going through a breakup is devastating. Whether it’s a marriage, a long-term partnership, or a short relationship there are a lot of emotions to manage. 

Your whole world changes. 

You’re uncertain about the future. 

You’re confused, angry, and sad.

It’s hard to simply “move on.” 

Going through a breakup is a form of grieving. And it’s not easy.

Today we’re going to discuss how to cope with a breakup, learn how to heal from a breakup, and even recognize when it’s time to get professional help.

With decades of experience, our therapists understand that breakups are hard. We want to help you work through it. 

Coping With a Breakup: Processing Your Emotions  

There are a lot of emotions that go into coping with a breakup, processing it, and healing from it. 

Relationship loss can trigger a lot of feelings such as:^1,2

• Disbelief
• Fear
• Anger
• Resentment
• Betrayal
• Sadness
• Confusion
• Loneliness
• Shock
• Anxiety
• Rejection
• Sadness 
• Grief

This is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the emotions you feel. It’s not uncommon to feel opposing emotions at the same time – relief and loneliness.

A newfound sense of freedom and sadness. 

There is no right or wrong way to feel after a breakup. Going through a breakup is complicated – even if you’re the one who initiated it!

Acknowledging and recognizing your feelings after a breakup is important. Give yourself permission to feel these emotions and take your time.

How Long Does it Take to Heal From a Breakup?

When it comes to healing from a breakup, everyone is different. Breakups are complicated and often have a significant impact on your life. Your breakup might trigger a profound sense of loss and grief in other areas of your life. 

Your social dynamics might change – you might lose mutual friends or lose your partner’s family. You might need to find a new place to live. You need to navigate co-parenting. You’re dealing with these changes while grieving the loss of the life you built with this person.  It takes time to process and work through.¹

Everyone goes through a grieving process during a breakup. You may still grieve the loss of a relationship if you’re the one who ended it or if you wanted the breakup.^1,2

That’s ok.

Give yourself some grace and don’t rush yourself through the process. It’s easy to judge yourself on what you “should” do or how you “should” be handling it. Judging yourself like this won’t help you move forward. Everyone’s healing journey will be different. 

Nobody can tell you exactly how long it will take to heal from your breakup. There are things you can do to help yourself move forward when you’re ready. This is a time to focus on taking care of yourself and allowing time for personal growth. 

Here are five things you can start doing today to help you heal after a breakup. 

How to Heal After a Breakup

There are so many different things you can do to help yourself get through this difficult time. 

If you’re unsure how to navigate this process, here are a few things you can start doing today.

Take care of yourself

Taking care of yourself is crucial. This is going to look different for everyone. If you’re really struggling, focus on just the basics. Make sure your eating, sleeping, and keeping a basic routine. You’re going through a lot of changes but routines you can rely on will help you feel safe and secure. Exercising and journaling can help. Whatever you choose, make sure you’re taking the time to nourish your physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being. 

Go at your own pace

Give yourself the time you need to process your emotions and grieve the loss of your relationship. Allow yourself to feel your emotions and work through them. Set boundaries with friends or family that are pushing you to move through this faster than you can.

Let go of the “why”

You may know exactly why your relationship ended. Sometimes it’s not as clear and the breakup can be confusing. This is extremely difficult when you just want answers. Your partner might not be truthful with you or they may not want to hurt you. If you can’t get the answers you’re looking for, finding closure might be more difficult – but it’s not impossible. It may take you longer to find closure but in the meantime, you can use this time for self-reflection and personal growth.

Self-reflection and personal growth

Going through a breakup can be a great time for self-reflection and discovering what you want out of life. 

Are you living the life you truly want? 

This is a great time to reevaluate your personal values. Did you sacrifice any of your personal values for the sake of the relationship? (Don’t worry, this happens to the best of us!) Now is a great time to get to know yourself outside of your relationship and focus on the future.

You may want to ask yourself a few self-reflection questions:

• What went well in the relationship? 
• What are your future goals?
• What do you want in a partner? 
• What can you learn for future relationships?

Lean on your support system

This is a great time to lean on friends, family, and even a therapist. Talking with a trusted support system can help you process your feelings, get advice and help you feel less alone.¹

These are great ways to get started healing from a breakup but sometimes you need extra support. Let’s talk about when you might need to seek professional help in dealing with a breakup.

When to Get Help From a Therapist 

Sometimes you may need to talk to a professional to help work through a breakup or relationship loss. 

That’s ok. There is absolutely nothing wrong with seeking the support you need to get through a tough time.

Give yourself permission to lean on professionals who understand that breakups can have a significant impact on your life.

You can always seek out support from a therapist if you want. You should always consider talking to a therapist if your breakup is interfering with your everyday life or you’re:

• Engaging in unhealthy coping mechanisms
• Depressed or anxious
• Feeling like your identity has been lost
• Not taking care of yourself
• Trying to cope on your own but you just aren’t making progress

A therapist is a neutral, non-judgmental person to create safe space for you to express yourself. A therapist can help you get a new perspective on your breakup, provide emotional support, and help you set new goals for yourself.

Working with a therapist after a breakup can help you gain…..

• A better sense of self
• Positive self-esteem
• A better perspective of the relationship 
• Clarity on where you are in your life now and where you’re going
• Positive coping strategies 
• A plan to reach your personal goals

Get Started With Online Therapy After a Breakup

I’m a licensed therapist ready to help you process your emotions after a breakup or a divorce. I know relationships are complex. I understand the impact relationship loss has on your life. 

Feel empowered to trust yourself again and confidently make the best decisions for your life.

I provide online therapy for relationship loss and divorce support. When you work with me, I help you:

• Be the best version of yourself! We work to find solutions and empower you to make the right decisions for you.
• Identify negative thoughts, feelings, and patterns in your life and help you to make necessary changes.
• Work toward your goals while being flexible about what you’re going through in your life. (We’ll always be very intentional with your time and work towards your goals!)
• Identify and work through how relationships impact everyone in your family. When we understand a family system, we can work through your concerns and help you develop a new perspective.

If you’re ready to start online therapy or relationship coaching to help you heal from a breakup, contact me today.

References 

1. Coping With A Breakup or Divorce. Helpguide.org
2. Grieving After A Breakup: 6 Strategies To Help You Heal. Cleveland Clinic. 2019

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Finding out your spouse was unfaithful is profoundly devastating for most.

If you’re like many of our clients, you’re feeling deeply betrayed.  Angry. Even rageful at times. 

Many of our clients feel abandoned and confused.

Perhaps you and your spouse are growing further apart with each passing day.

Or perhaps you’re feeling more of a roller coaster in the relationship with intense ups and downs. 

Maybe you’re unsure where to go from here. 

You’re not alone.

A few years ago, Mary came to me completely burnt out on infidelity counseling. She and her husband, John, had been working on communication, rebuilding trust, and date nights. They were making very little progress. 

John wasn’t interested in counseling, and Mary was incredibly angry with his lack of effort. They reached a point where their therapist didn’t even know what else to do for them.

Mary wasn’t sure what else could be done. 

She considered leaving.

Mary and John worked with me using Bowen family systems theory for their infidelity counseling, and I’m happy to say they stayed together.

Nobody can say for sure what the outcome of your marriage will be, but there are marriages that survive infidelity.

Let’s dive deeper into why a family systems approach is the best counseling for infidelity.

How Does Bowen Family Systems Theory Look at Infidelity?

A family systems approach to infidelity is crucial because it looks at the whole family system and how it impacts your marriage. This is extremely important because we don’t live in a bubble. Our entire lives are shaped by interactions with other people. We react and make decisions based on other people’s thoughts, feelings, emotions, and behaviors.

This is why I believe Bowen family systems theory is a common-sense approach to counseling – especially infidelity counseling¹

Family systems therapists (like myself) understand that the problems you’re facing aren’t for lack of trying. We know you’ve tried many different ways to address the issues in your marriage, but it hasn’t been easy to make progress. Especially when you’re walking on eggshells or feel stuck trying to resolve problems on your own. 

Going through infidelity counseling can help because your therapist is an objective third party who will ask essential questions to help you better understand yourself and your marriage.  

We also understand that (more often than not) people don’t go out looking for affairs. Affairs usually evolve over time when tension and disagreements go unresolved.²

Now, that’s no excuse for infidelity, but it’s important to start looking at the behavior as a symptom of other problems.

Infidelity counseling using family systems theory helps you explore a different perspective.

Let’s talk about why this approach helps couples like Mary and John.

Infidelity Counseling: Why A Family Systems Approach Works Best

A family systems approach to infidelity counseling provides you with a different perspective than other counseling. First, we understand that you can’t force anything in this process. Each person has to go at their own pace. This is another way a therapist can help. You might feel more comfortable discussing how you want to proceed in your marriage with the support of a therapist.

Family Systems Therapists Use Facts, Logic, and Reason

As you start your infidelity counseling, you’ll begin to process your emotions. Your therapist will use the family systems theory to guide you through this process.

One of the most critical differences between a family systems approach compared to other infidelity counseling is that there’s an emphasis on facts, logic, and reason.

In a nutshell, family systems therapists are experts in helping you develop perspective. Other methods of infidelity counseling can keep you stuck because they focus (almost exclusively) on feelings. 

In the beginning, processing your feelings is important. Then you’ll move into developing perspective around the day-to-day situations you face in your marriage. You’ll be more able to objectively discover a bigger picture of your marriage and what your new marriage goals might be.³

Focus On Yourself

With a family systems approach to infidelity counseling, there’s a middle ground between focusing on yourself and your spouse. Other approaches might ask you to focus most of your energy on your spouse. With our approach, we focus a lot on your own personal growth.

Ask yourself: are you more worried about your spouse’s thoughts, feelings, and anxieties than your own?

If so, you’ll be encouraged to focus on yourself. Growth as an individual is essential in this process. In fact, it’ll likely encourage your spouse to do the same, leading to growth within the marriage as you work through the hurt and betrayal. 

Let Go of the “Why”

You may not want to hear this, but it’s one of the most critical aspects of infidelity counseling. Family systems theory encourages you to stop chasing the “why” behind the affair. In my practice, I find that the people who have the most success with infidelity counseling can let go of the “why.” 

Truthfully, there are no simple answers to this question.

Reframe the way you look at infidelity. Consider “what” instead of “why.”

What happened? When did it happen? What else was happening in your family system when it happened? What is happening now? Is there any progress? Is there a genuine and authentic effort being made?

Reframing your thoughts this way isn’t to place blame on any one person. 

Infidelity counseling helps you understand what happened within the marriage to help you move forward and make positive changes. 

A family systems approach to infidelity counseling helps you make sense of it without placing blame.

How Will Infidelity Counseling Help Me?

Many people find that infidelity counseling helps them because it’s difficult to process the emotions and the hurt alone. Often, people get so stuck in the emotional aspect of infidelity because it’s an agonizing, painful betrayal. It’s not easy to just “get over.”

Infidelity counseling can help you identify patterns in your marriage that aren’t working and ask thought-provoking questions to help you find a new approach to these patterns. You’ll begin to look at things from a different perspective.

You’ll also walk away from this type of infidelity counseling with a better understanding of yourself as an individual. Which will only strengthen your marriage.

We understand there are no simple answers to infidelity. One thing for sure is we can help you make sense of it. And then, help you make the essential changes to be able to move forward with a better, stronger, wiser you.

When you work with a Bowen family systems therapist for infidelity counseling, the emphasis is on change.

So, you may be wondering: how can infidelity counseling help me? What will the end result be? 

For most people (including Mary and John), the end result of infidelity counseling with a family systems approach will be:

1.) A better sense of self –  a better ability to be yourself

2.) Approaching the relationship as two equals

3.) Letting go of the “why” 

4.) A broader perspective of your marriage

Getting help through our infidelity counseling can bring you one step closer to healing. 

Are you….

Burnt out on other types of counseling?

Having trouble working through infidelity on your own?

Trying to save your marriage but just don’t know how?

Marriage Help Colorado provides private, online infidelity counseling for you and your spouse.

Want to get started with infidelity counseling? Request an appointment today!

Contact me or learn more about infidelity counseling!

The post Infidelity Counseling: Why A Family Systems Approach Works Best appeared first on Miriam Bellamy.

The Best Guide To Affair Recovery Counseling

When you said your marriage vows, the last thing you ever thought you’d be dealing with, is an affair that turned your whole world upside down.

If you were giving advice to a friend, you might tell them to cut all ties and move on.

But now that you’re here, it’s different. When you’re faced with giving up a life you’ve worked so hard to create with a person you love so much, the choice isn’t that simple.

You have all the emotions.

• Anger. 
• Fear. 
• Resentment. 
• Mistrust.

But your marriage is worth fighting for.

You’re interested in affair recovery.

But where do you even start?

You have so many questions.

Let’s talk about what affair recovery is and my unique perspective on what helps couples succeed as they navigate this difficult time. 

Can a Marriage Recover from an Affair?

When you find yourself dealing with the devastating betrayal of an affair – something you never even imagined – it’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. One of the most common questions people ask is “can a marriage recover from an affair?” 

Some statistics show that 4 in 10 marriages will experience an affair and many of these couples will stay together and a few might even come out stronger on the other side.^1,2

Nobody can say for certain that your marriage will recover from an affair. It would be great to get that reassurance. The important takeaway is that there are marriages that do recover from an affair but it’s not without a lot of hard work.

If you’ve experienced an affair, you’ve got a mountain to climb. Climbing that mountain successfully means taking it one small step at a time. You’ll also need the right equipment.

I’ve been helping couples through affairs successfully for years and what often helps couples succeed isn’t the traditional things we think of – going on date nights, rebuilding trust via checklists or sharing account passwords, finding the exact cause of the affair, or worse, demanding details from a spouse who you aren’t quite sure you can believe anyway.

What helps the most takes a bit more time and thought. It involves taking a broader approach, a bird’s eye view, of the marriage. Growing together as individuals and as a couple and moving forward as equals. We’ll get more into this later but first, let’s take a look at what affair recovery is and how you can get started healing from an affair.

What is Affair Recovery?

Affair recovery is a term used to describe the process a couple goes through after someone’s had an affair. Finding out your spouse has cheated is one of the most painful experiences you’ll go through. And admitting to someone you love that you’ve had an affair is difficult, painful, and embarrassing.

Navigating this crisis has to be done on your terms – you can’t force yourself to move at a pace you’re not comfortable with.

I recommend starting the process from a place of understanding. Understand that affairs emerge over time as a result of a multigenerational emotional process.³
I want to be clear: this doesn’t mean you’re excusing the cheating behavior or that the spouse that cheated isn’t held accountable. It just means you understand that there is something much bigger going on between just the two of you. The affair itself is a symptom of other problems.

Being open to this concept probably won’t happen overnight. That’s ok. It might take some time to even fully believe it but if you start the process from this place of understanding, you’re more open to the work that comes next and you’re investing in the longevity of your marriage.

The term affair recovery can be a bit misleading because the goal is more about growth than about recovery. Using the word recovery alludes to a situation where you’ll return to a previous state of “normal” or that you’ll be free from the hurt you’re feeling right now.

For most people, it’s about growing into a new phase of the marriage. The phase that moves forward as equals. 

You may begin this process on your own, but it’s important to know there are professionals that specialize in affair recovery. Finding a therapist who specializes in this area can help you develop a new perspective about yourself, about your marriage, and give you insight into how you can move forward. 

Remember, there’s no right or wrong way to go through affair recovery.

There is only finding the right way for YOU.

It’s an evolving process.

How to Heal After an Affair

Moving forward as equals is easier when you’re focusing on growth – growth as individuals and growth as a couple.⁴
At first, it’s normal for the cheating spouse to be in the proverbial doghouse. But if you want to heal, it’s not sustainable for the cheating spouse to stay in the doghouse for too long. 

Spouses who are in the doghouse are either still punishing themselves, or are willing to be punished because they think they deserve it. This submissiveness may be reassuring at first but the satisfaction you get from it is very short-lived. 

The “punishment,” and the submissiveness isn’t changing the fundamental problem –– it’s creating a new one. 

It’s distracting both of you from an important part of healing after an affair. The part where you move forward as equals. 

And equals are much less likely to cheat again. 

Healing After an Affair: Redefining Challenges

Real healing after an affair comes with redefining your challenges and sticking with them when the pain and loneliness come back. Affair recovery is a roller coaster ride, you’ll have highs and lows. It’s human nature to lose focus when you’re in pain. 

As humans, we try to force a quick solution. Forcing this process is a mistake. A quick solution may give you that immediate gratification but it’s not going to help you with long-term healing from the affair.

As you move through this process, think about the growth that needs to happen to sustain the marriage.

Asking good questions is the key to growth. 

Avoid questions that lead you down a dead end and trigger another argument.

Good questions help you think about the marriage as a whole and what you can do to help work through the problems you’re facing as a couple.

Here are a few questions you can ask:

• What was going on in my life (and in my family’s life) at the time? Did I feel helpless about it? (Try to be honest with yourself about this.)
• What similarities to my parents’ or grandparents’ relationships can I see in my relationships?
• What are my goals for myself in this relationship? And in other important relationships?
• Who do I want to be in this relationship?
• What are my life goals? Am I currently living according to those goals?

These are just a few examples of questions that will propel you forward in your affair recovery and explore how you can redefine the challenges you face. 

How Long Does Affair Recovery Take?

If you’re reading this, chances are your intention is to keep your commitment to your relationship. Even if you plan to do whatever it takes to stay in your marriage, many people want to know – how long does affair recovery take?

This question is difficult to answer. Every couple is different. Every couple comes from different backgrounds. Every couple has a unique set of problems. And every couple plays a different role in their relationship dynamic. 

If you work with a therapist who is trained in affair recovery, you’re probably going to move through the process quicker than doing it on your own. You’ll be able to explore your unique relationship dynamic and learn what’s working for your relationship and – more importantly – what isn’t working so you can change it. 

Getting through an affair seems like an insurmountable problem. It will stick with you. But you can get close again. You, and your marriage, can be changed by it – and it can be good.

Affair Recovery: A Family Systems View

As I mentioned before, I’ve been helping couples successfully work through extramarital affairs, and with that comes a unique perspective. This unique perspective includes extensive training in Bowen family systems theory which is highly effective when couples are dealing with affairs.

Dr. Murray Bowen developed a theory that humans function together, as an emotional unit.⁵

This family systems approach is crucial in affair recovery because you start by understanding the complex relationship between two people.

A systems approach takes a look at your unique family system and how each person functions within the system. This approach makes affair recovery unique to your relationship. Other therapists may give you prescribed date nights, and talk about rebuilding trust but often it’s not getting to the root of the problem.

With a family systems approach, we can look at the affair as a symptom of how the family’s emotional system is functioning. By taking a deep look into each person’s role within the system, each person is accountable for their actions. 

By understanding how each person behaves within the system, we can look to see where a “breakdown” could occur. This approach looks at what works within your family system and gives you the insight to strengthen it. But it’ll also help you discover what isn’t working and give you perspective on how to change that.

There is no blame game with this approach. Pointing fingers and ruminating on blame will not help you move forward in your marriage. Taking accountability, working on creating an equal partnership, and creating a healthy family dynamic is essential in affair recovery work.

If you’re looking for more support for affair recovery, our office provides:

• Secure, online, affair recovery counseling
• A safe, non judgemental space for both people to discuss their feelings
• Unique family systems approach specific to you

Affair recovery isn’t easy but with the right support, it’s possible. 

If you’re ready to talk to someone, fill out our contact form today.

Resources

1. How Long Does A Marriage Last After Infidelity? Marraige.com December 2021.
2. Infidelity: Mending Your Marriage After An Affair. Mayo Clinic. July 2021.
3. Webinar: Affair Recovery. Miriam Bellamy and Kelly Matthews.
4. 5 Marriage Reconciliation Mistakes To Avoid (And What To Do Instead). Marriage Help Colorado. 2022.
5. The Bowen Center For The Study Of The Family

Contact me or learn more about infidelity counseling!

The post Your Guide To Affair Recovery Counseling appeared first on Miriam Bellamy.

Your wedding day was the happiest day of your life. 

You never thought you’d be here, navigating the tough road of infidelity.

Before now, you thought this betrayal would be an absolute deal breaker.

Now that you’re here, it’s different. Reconciling your marriage after infidelity isn’t off the table. In fact, it’s more of a consideration than you ever imagined. But how do you deal with such an intense, emotional, turbulent period in your marriage?

Every couple and every situation is completely unique. But marriage reconciliation after infidelity is possible. 

Today I’m going to discuss five (very common) marriage reconciliation mistakes to avoid after infidelity and what you can do instead. 

5 Marriage Reconciliation Mistakes To Avoid After Infidelity 

Mistake #1: Rebuilding Trust

I know what you’re thinking, “what do you mean rebuilding trust is a mistake?” 

Well, there are a few reasons rebuilding trust backfires. When you’re dealing with infidelity, trust is often completely broken. 

If you’re the betrayed spouse you can’t shake that lingering feeling of mistrust. And you can inherently mistrust someone who’s working so damn hard to earn your trust back– as if it’s not genuine.

Or if you’re the unfaithful spouse you feel like you’re never going to earn back trust anyway so you just stop trying altogether. 

Rebuilding trust has a high rate of failure if it’s forced. If you’re the betrayed spouse you might think “If I can just trust again, I’ll feel more secure and everything will be ok.” 

Mistrust and anxiety can take on a life of their own in the marriage – overwhelming every aspect of it. 

There’s good news! There are practical, actionable steps you can take (instead of just waiting around for trust to come back.)

What you can do instead: Address the integrity of your marriage and work on emotional maturity.

This is essential during times of turmoil and trauma. 

Ways you can do this: 

• • • Let go of the notion that you can force trust to return.
    • Make choices that are about your personal values and your personal journey. 
    • Express your thoughts and feelings without getting into blame and without emotional debate.
    • Treat each other with compassion, empathy, and kindnes.¹
    • Learn to say “no’” in ways that are quiet and reflective rather than angry or rebellious.²

Trust must emerge naturally –it takes time and effort.

Mistake #2: Respond to your spouse’s pain with reassurance and love

You may feel like this is exactly the right thing to do. Responding with reassurance and love is important. But the common view with this advice is that when you do this, you’ll bond securely and love will swoop in and save the day. This oversimplifies a very complicated situation. To be honest it’s pretty idealistic. 

Rebuilding trust is extremely important. However, it should be the byproduct of the work – not the actual work itself. So how you do rebuild trust after infidelity? 

What you can do instead: Learn to connect and respond to conflict

When you do this, real-world application is essential. It’s more effective to apply this in your everyday life – not just when you’re sitting in a therapist’s office. 

Rebuilding connection is important because you’re more likely to approach conflict with calmness, empathy, and compassion. When you start to connect, it has to be self-directed and you need to go at your own pace. Marriage reconciliation after infidelity isn’t easy and everyone’s journey is going to be different. Be open and honest with your spouse about what you’re comfortable with in this process.

Mistake #3: Look to the cause of the affair

Pursuing answers from your spouse doesn’t help the marriage reconciliation process. It’s human nature to want to know why but it creates more distance in your marriage. Not sure about this? Spend a little time observing what happens between you when either of you pushes for an answer. 

If you’re the unfaithful spouse you may feel uncomfortable sharing details or you might not have the answers.

If you’re the betrayed spouse these answers don’t help you process the hurt and betrayal. In fact, it’s likely going to hinder the marriage reconciliation process. 

Pursuing these answers can lead you down a dead-end road instead of progressing forward.

What you can do instead: Develop a broader perspective of your marriage & reflect on the course of your relationship. 

Developing a broader perspective is like getting a bird’s eye view of your marriage. 

Look at the bigger picture and ask yourself: 

• What do you want from the relationship? 
• Why is reconciliation so important to you? 
• What goals do you have for your marriage?

Reflect back on when things were going well: 

• What can you do to get back to that place? 
• Where did things go astray? 
• Where do you want the relationship to go in the future? 

Reflecting on the course of your relationship will actually help you stop looking for the cause of the infidelity and continue moving forward in your marriage. 

Mistake #4: Dealing with your pain conventionally

Dealing with the pain of infidelity feels unbearable. It feels even worse when you’re given advice that doesn’t help. Such as you’re in control of your emotions and you need to learn to soothe yourself. This advice doesn’t help when you’re processing severe emotional pain. 

You might be doing all the right things to deal with your pain like journaling, communicating with your spouse – even therapy. 

If you’re trying this approach and it’s still not helping, here’s another way you can approach dealing with the emotional pain of infidelity. 

What you can do instead: Integrate emotions with facts and logic. 

Humans are emotional beings and, by definition, emotions are irrational. It’s easy to get caught up in your emotions so much that you make up stories in your mind based on your own fear and anxiety. 

Integrating facts and logic allows you to look at a situation objectively before you create a runaway narrative in your head.

Here are a few ways you can learn to integrate emotions with facts and logic:

• Step outside your emotions and look for the facts. Ask yourself, “what are the facts I have that support these feelings?” If you don’t have any, you may be letting your own fear and anxiety take over. 
• Use logical reasoning. If you have facts that support your feelings like you’re spouse said or did something to indicate there’s a problem, talk about it with them.
• Have an open discussion. Whether you have facts that support your feelings or you’re letting your own anxiety take over, have a discussion with your spouse. Open lines of communication can immediately resolve concerns and address anxiety. 

Neurofeedback is a great tool that can help you manage negative thought patterns. Think about neurofeedback as giving you extra information to help you make more thoughtful decisions during stressful, emotional times. 

Neuroptimal neurofeedback® can help you gain more clarity as it brings you back to the present moment and helps you manage negative thought loops that repeat over and over in your mind – thoughts that feed anger and resentment.³

After infidelity, marriage reconciliation is not a linear process. You’ll have ups and downs but having different tools in your toolbox will help you become less emotionally reactive so you can grow as a couple and as individuals.

Mistake # 5: Your focus is on recovery

Emotions are dynamic, and hurt and betrayal can be difficult to navigate. When you approach marriage reconciliation after infidelity with the mindset that you’ll completely recover, you might be setting yourself up for failure.

I’m not saying that you won’t recover and regain a happy and fulfilling marriage but a simple mindset shift will help you set realistic expectations and put less pressure on the reconciliation process.

What you can do instead: Understand that it’s about growth 

This journey is about growth as individuals and growth as a couple.

If you start by taking the actionable steps discussed in this article, you’re well on your way to growing. Relationships are constantly changing. It’s hard to say exactly where you’ll be at the end of the reconciliation process but growth is inevitable. 

The goal isn’t recovery but growth to move forward as you enter this new phase of your marriage.

Marriage Reconciliation After Infidelity: Next Steps

Marriage reconciliation after infidelity can be emotionally draining, intense, and difficult. This article gave you new ways to approach working through the most difficult time of your life. 

Sometimes, you need more. 

If you’re looking for more support, our staff of Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists have a combined 40+ years of experience. Our support goes beyond teaching simple communication skills. 

We understand that relationships are complex. We work with your family as a unique family system to break negative patterns and navigate emotional pain.

We offer private, online infidelity counseling that you can do in the comfort of your own home. 

If you’re ready to get more support, contact me or learn more about infidelity counseling!

The post 5 Marriage Reconciliation Mistakes To Avoid After Infidelity appeared first on Miriam Bellamy.