Hope After Betrayal

Couples in affair recovery who are eventually able to trust each other, have done so slowly and deliberately. There is a dedication. A focus. And after years of working with one couple and another, I see each new relationship as its own work of art. A work of simplicity. Even though the road there had serious ups and downs…and extraordinary pain. The path forward is like hiking. One step at a time. Each new stone that must be trod. The heat that threatens to take you down. Each new incline. Each new seemingly uncrossable hitch in the road. The quiet that begins to develop. The peace after so much time and effort. It is a meditation on repentance. On humility. On acceptance of being human. Walking…and weaving…weaving a self together. Weaving a soul back together. And then weaving a bridge back to each other.

The Bridge at Q’Eswachaka

Every year three Incan communities come together in June to remake the bridge at Q’Eswachaka. They cut down the old bridge from the year before and weave a new one across the canyon. The process is deliberate, painstaking, and slow. It takes everyone from each of these communities to complete the process. The most compelling part of this engineering feat is the preparation of the cords, ropes, and cables that make up the foundation of the bridge. Each rope twisted together into small braids, then twisted together into larger ropes consisting of 30 of these braids. Three of these fat ropes are then braided into the large cables. Once the cables are braided together, 40 or 50 men pull and stretch the cables as if in a tug-of-war. The cables must be pulled and stretched to strengthen them. Unless they are tested, the final bridge would sag and become dangerous to walk on.

Much like the work on the self during affair recovery, you must be pulled and stretched. You must be made into something strong and dependable. Both of you. Where I think couples can get into trouble is when people are stretched too thin. They are stretched beyond their limits. Beyond what is helpful…and strengthening. The good news is that there are things you might be able to do now that will help you get closer to the strength you each need to develop.

One of the most common ways I see people being stretched beyond their limits is when they are trying to get to trust too quickly. The most common manifestation of this is when the partner who has been betrayed is working, consciously or not, to force the truth out of their spouse. It’s a vicious loop you might be caught in even now. Perhaps you ask them a question, and something just doesn’t feel right. They look away or the tone changes or perhaps you have data they don’t know you have. You are testing them. You want to know they will tell you the truth from here on out. You want to know…you can trust them. It’s hard to face the fact that you don’t. You…don’t…trust…them. And you don’t know what that means for the relationship. Not trusting them feels so profoundly painful, you want to do something about it. You don’t know how a relationship can go forward without trust. So you test. You search. You may even call it an effort to rebuild trust. You want to see if it’s really true—if you really can’t trust them…when you already know…that you don’t. Accepting that doesn’t hinder progress. It propels you forward. Because it’s honest. Because it takes courage. And, if nothing else, trust takes courage. Like a lighthouse on a stormy sea, endlessly sweeping its beam across the waters, you might feel like you are searching for something that could be lurking just beyond the horizon, even though the storm before you is evident. You check every text, every email, every ATM withdrawal to see if there are any exceptions. Any possibility that there is hope. The hope lies not in whether they are telling the truth, but in whether you can accept your own truth. If you can face and accept your own truth—that you no longer trust them. You…don’t…trust…them. Do you trust yourself on that? Can you develop the courage to trust yourself?

If you can learn to accept that trust is truly broken, then you move to the next dilemma. How can you live day-to-day in a marriage without trust? Several clients I’m working with right now have come up with a solution. A temporary one, but still a solution. They consider the marriage they had to be over. The bridge has been cut down. And they are working on letting it go. They are learning to let go of chasing the spouse for facts. They are learning to trust themselves. And they are interacting from a place inside themselves that is still forming. A place of self-trust. A place where they are learning to say no. Where they are learning their limits. What they can and can’t do, say, think, and feel. Honoring their limits is strengthening. Stretching beyond them is weakening.

If you are stuck in your affair recovery, consider that it might be because you are resisting letting go of the old bridge. Resisting letting go of what is broken. Resisting venturing into unknown territory.

If you would like help with this letting go—or with this unknown territory—please reach out. There is work to be done here, and it’ll more productive and helpful for you and for your marriage than holding on to a bridge that is broken.

Let’s talk on the phone for a free 15-minute consultation to see if I can add something to the work you are doing. I think I can. And I think you will be propelled forward in your affair recovery work.

Fill out our contact form here: https://miriambellamy.com/golden-co/

Or reach out directly: 303-222-5118 OR mrbellamy924@gmail.com

The post The Bridge Back: Hope After Betrayal appeared first on Miriam Bellamy.

Is There Hope After Infidelity?

I get asked this question a lot. I answer it with a question: hope for what? Depending on the phase of affair recovery you are in, you may be hoping for different things. The early phases are disorienting. One or both of you may still be in shock. If you’re upside down and spinning in what might feel like a head on collision, what are you hoping for? It could be that the only thing you are capable of hoping for right now is for the spinning to stop. For your body to stop hurting. For sleep to return. For appetite to return. In my experience over 26 years of practice, this phase can take months. Prioritizing yourself and any self-care is a must. Therapy is essential—whether by yourself or as a couple.

If you are in the next phase of affair recovery, your biggest hope might be for your old life back. For the old relationship stability. Anything but this. You might be hoping for some semblance of trust to return…to know that what your spouse is saying to you is the truth. And so you ask your questions, over and over, looking for any anomalies. Searching for what fits and what doesn’t. You may check their phones. Their bank accounts. Their location. You want to know the truth. You want to have an inkling you can move forward on solid ground.

But you can’t quite get to it. You can’t quite feel things are OK or are going to be OK. Every time something doesn’t seem to fit. Every time you find out a new detail. Every time they turn from you instead of towards you. There’s a reason for this. There’s a reason you can’t get back to even a semblance of normal. It’s not because you are doing something wrong. It’s not because they are. It’s because you’re both trying to hold onto something that can’t be held. Trying to hold on to a relationship that has been broken. The painful yet hopeful truth is, letting go of that broken relationship is the key to building a new one.

The confusing bit is that there are still parts of that old relationship that remain intact. You have a history together. You may have kids. Extended families. Finances. Friends. You may even work together. All of that is still there, but you may not know what it means anymore. Learning what all of these things mean anew is a task for much later in your journey. For now, it helps people to push the pause button on this hope for the future of the relationship—for trust to return. And to replace that hope with a hope for yourself. For your own recovery. For learning to trust yourself again.

For learning…to trust…yourself again.

The most powerful affair recovery work

Learning to trust yourself is the quickest and most powerful way back to each other…if back to each other is where this is going to go. Trust in yourself has many different manifestations. It can look like a new ability to say no. It can look like you learning what your true values are and living them—even if it means disappointing others in your life. It can look like more open communication—letting others see what your true thoughts and feelings are. Whatever it is, it will be yours.

If this post was helpful to you, let me know. Send me an email or fill out the contact form. I’m here. And I want to help you. Let’s see if we are a good fit for the work you want to do.

For Colorado: https://miriambellamy.com/golden-co/

For Georgia: https://miriambellamy.com/marietta-ga/

Email: mrbellamy924@gmail.com

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For many people, their perception of PTSD comes from the way the media depicts it. Often, PTSD, or post-traumatic stress disorder, is shown as something that commonly impacts soldiers who go to war, police officers, firefighters, or paramedics.

Unfortunately, there are many more examples of what can cause PTSD. Some common instances of PTSD are car accidents, witnessing or being the victim of a crime, abuse of any kind, or surviving a natural disaster. It can happen to anyone, at any age, for any reason. Trauma, after all, is an emotional response to a highly distressing situation or event.

When it comes to infidelity, trauma is a normal yet agonizing and torturous reaction. If you think you are experiencing PTSD symptoms after infidelity, you are not alone.

Signs of PTSD

First, we’ll start with the basics of PTSD. No two people will experience PTSD after the affair in the same way. With that said, there are symptoms that people commonly experience. These may include:

• Flashbacks
• Nightmares
• Intrusive thoughts
• Insomnia
• Stomach aches
• Headaches
• Muscle tension
• Stimming (a range of repetitive movements and behaviors)
• Avoidant behaviors
• Anger, irritability, or rage
• Appetite changes
• Unhealthy coping mechanisms (such as alcohol or substance use)
• Withdrawing from support systems or social circles

Infidelity PTSD Symptoms

The phrase “broken heart” minimizes the real trauma caused by infidelity. Everything you thought you knew about your marriage now feels wrong. The disorientation is profound. In fact, you might look up the book: Post Infidelity Stress Disorder by Dennis C. Ortman.

You may have painful flashbacks. Or, you may have intrusive thoughts that you can’t get out of your mind. It’s not uncommon to experience symptoms similar to depression, such as appetite changes or loss of interest in activities. Panic attacks, extreme insomnia, and other health issues are not uncommon.

Experiencing any type of trauma leaves you stuck in a cycle of ruminating on painful thoughts. You might cycle through thousands of what-if questions or may even place the blame on yourself. “Maybe if I had just…or what if they had…” Treating trauma involves not only high-quality psychotherapy, it may also require direct support to heal the brain such as neurofeedback, psychedelic assisted psychotherapy, or EMDR—three proven methods for treating PTSD.

How to Move Forward After Infidelity

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

If you are like most couples, you are wondering if you should leave the marriage or stay and try to work it out. The more important question, however, isn’t should I stay or should I go. The more important question is: regardless of whether I stay or if I go, who will I become in this process? Who do I yearn to become? This is a question that infidelity counseling can help with. An unbiased third party can help you both address the underlying issues and find a peaceful resolution that will work for the betterment of you both. But treating the trauma directly will be key.

There is nothing like the perspective infidelity brings. Take your time. You don’t have to make big decisions now. Unless you are ready. Seeking help to navigate all the stages of healing and recovery—whether married or divorced—can give you the strength you need.

Learn more about overcoming infidelity PTSD with infidelity counseling or contact me to get started.

The post Understanding the Symptoms of PTSD After the Affair appeared first on Miriam Bellamy.

Finding out your spouse was unfaithful is profoundly devastating for most.

If you’re like many of our clients, you’re feeling deeply betrayed.  Angry. Even rageful at times. 

Many of our clients feel abandoned and confused.

Perhaps you and your spouse are growing further apart with each passing day.

Or perhaps you’re feeling more of a roller coaster in the relationship with intense ups and downs. 

Maybe you’re unsure where to go from here. 

You’re not alone.

A few years ago, Mary came to me completely burnt out on infidelity counseling. She and her husband, John, had been working on communication, rebuilding trust, and date nights. They were making very little progress. 

John wasn’t interested in counseling, and Mary was incredibly angry with his lack of effort. They reached a point where their therapist didn’t even know what else to do for them.

Mary wasn’t sure what else could be done. 

She considered leaving.

Mary and John worked with me using Bowen family systems theory for their infidelity counseling, and I’m happy to say they stayed together.

Nobody can say for sure what the outcome of your marriage will be, but there are marriages that survive infidelity.

Let’s dive deeper into why a family systems approach is the best counseling for infidelity.

How Does Bowen Family Systems Theory Look at Infidelity?

A family systems approach to infidelity is crucial because it looks at the whole family system and how it impacts your marriage. This is extremely important because we don’t live in a bubble. Our entire lives are shaped by interactions with other people. We react and make decisions based on other people’s thoughts, feelings, emotions, and behaviors.

This is why I believe Bowen family systems theory is a common-sense approach to counseling – especially infidelity counseling¹

Family systems therapists (like myself) understand that the problems you’re facing aren’t for lack of trying. We know you’ve tried many different ways to address the issues in your marriage, but it hasn’t been easy to make progress. Especially when you’re walking on eggshells or feel stuck trying to resolve problems on your own. 

Going through infidelity counseling can help because your therapist is an objective third party who will ask essential questions to help you better understand yourself and your marriage.  

We also understand that (more often than not) people don’t go out looking for affairs. Affairs usually evolve over time when tension and disagreements go unresolved.²

Now, that’s no excuse for infidelity, but it’s important to start looking at the behavior as a symptom of other problems.

Infidelity counseling using family systems theory helps you explore a different perspective.

Let’s talk about why this approach helps couples like Mary and John.

Infidelity Counseling: Why A Family Systems Approach Works Best

A family systems approach to infidelity counseling provides you with a different perspective than other counseling. First, we understand that you can’t force anything in this process. Each person has to go at their own pace. This is another way a therapist can help. You might feel more comfortable discussing how you want to proceed in your marriage with the support of a therapist.

Family Systems Therapists Use Facts, Logic, and Reason

As you start your infidelity counseling, you’ll begin to process your emotions. Your therapist will use the family systems theory to guide you through this process.

One of the most critical differences between a family systems approach compared to other infidelity counseling is that there’s an emphasis on facts, logic, and reason.

In a nutshell, family systems therapists are experts in helping you develop perspective. Other methods of infidelity counseling can keep you stuck because they focus (almost exclusively) on feelings. 

In the beginning, processing your feelings is important. Then you’ll move into developing perspective around the day-to-day situations you face in your marriage. You’ll be more able to objectively discover a bigger picture of your marriage and what your new marriage goals might be.³

Focus On Yourself

With a family systems approach to infidelity counseling, there’s a middle ground between focusing on yourself and your spouse. Other approaches might ask you to focus most of your energy on your spouse. With our approach, we focus a lot on your own personal growth.

Ask yourself: are you more worried about your spouse’s thoughts, feelings, and anxieties than your own?

If so, you’ll be encouraged to focus on yourself. Growth as an individual is essential in this process. In fact, it’ll likely encourage your spouse to do the same, leading to growth within the marriage as you work through the hurt and betrayal. 

Let Go of the “Why”

You may not want to hear this, but it’s one of the most critical aspects of infidelity counseling. Family systems theory encourages you to stop chasing the “why” behind the affair. In my practice, I find that the people who have the most success with infidelity counseling can let go of the “why.” 

Truthfully, there are no simple answers to this question.

Reframe the way you look at infidelity. Consider “what” instead of “why.”

What happened? When did it happen? What else was happening in your family system when it happened? What is happening now? Is there any progress? Is there a genuine and authentic effort being made?

Reframing your thoughts this way isn’t to place blame on any one person. 

Infidelity counseling helps you understand what happened within the marriage to help you move forward and make positive changes. 

A family systems approach to infidelity counseling helps you make sense of it without placing blame.

How Will Infidelity Counseling Help Me?

Many people find that infidelity counseling helps them because it’s difficult to process the emotions and the hurt alone. Often, people get so stuck in the emotional aspect of infidelity because it’s an agonizing, painful betrayal. It’s not easy to just “get over.”

Infidelity counseling can help you identify patterns in your marriage that aren’t working and ask thought-provoking questions to help you find a new approach to these patterns. You’ll begin to look at things from a different perspective.

You’ll also walk away from this type of infidelity counseling with a better understanding of yourself as an individual. Which will only strengthen your marriage.

We understand there are no simple answers to infidelity. One thing for sure is we can help you make sense of it. And then, help you make the essential changes to be able to move forward with a better, stronger, wiser you.

When you work with a Bowen family systems therapist for infidelity counseling, the emphasis is on change.

So, you may be wondering: how can infidelity counseling help me? What will the end result be? 

For most people (including Mary and John), the end result of infidelity counseling with a family systems approach will be:

1.) A better sense of self –  a better ability to be yourself

2.) Approaching the relationship as two equals

3.) Letting go of the “why” 

4.) A broader perspective of your marriage

Getting help through our infidelity counseling can bring you one step closer to healing. 

Are you….

Burnt out on other types of counseling?

Having trouble working through infidelity on your own?

Trying to save your marriage but just don’t know how?

Marriage Help Colorado provides private, online infidelity counseling for you and your spouse.

Want to get started with infidelity counseling? Request an appointment today!

Contact me or learn more about infidelity counseling!

The post Infidelity Counseling: Why A Family Systems Approach Works Best appeared first on Miriam Bellamy.

The Best Guide To Affair Recovery Counseling

When you said your marriage vows, the last thing you ever thought you’d be dealing with, is an affair that turned your whole world upside down.

If you were giving advice to a friend, you might tell them to cut all ties and move on.

But now that you’re here, it’s different. When you’re faced with giving up a life you’ve worked so hard to create with a person you love so much, the choice isn’t that simple.

You have all the emotions.

• Anger. 
• Fear. 
• Resentment. 
• Mistrust.

But your marriage is worth fighting for.

You’re interested in affair recovery.

But where do you even start?

You have so many questions.

Let’s talk about what affair recovery is and my unique perspective on what helps couples succeed as they navigate this difficult time. 

Can a Marriage Recover from an Affair?

When you find yourself dealing with the devastating betrayal of an affair – something you never even imagined – it’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. One of the most common questions people ask is “can a marriage recover from an affair?” 

Some statistics show that 4 in 10 marriages will experience an affair and many of these couples will stay together and a few might even come out stronger on the other side.^1,2

Nobody can say for certain that your marriage will recover from an affair. It would be great to get that reassurance. The important takeaway is that there are marriages that do recover from an affair but it’s not without a lot of hard work.

If you’ve experienced an affair, you’ve got a mountain to climb. Climbing that mountain successfully means taking it one small step at a time. You’ll also need the right equipment.

I’ve been helping couples through affairs successfully for years and what often helps couples succeed isn’t the traditional things we think of – going on date nights, rebuilding trust via checklists or sharing account passwords, finding the exact cause of the affair, or worse, demanding details from a spouse who you aren’t quite sure you can believe anyway.

What helps the most takes a bit more time and thought. It involves taking a broader approach, a bird’s eye view, of the marriage. Growing together as individuals and as a couple and moving forward as equals. We’ll get more into this later but first, let’s take a look at what affair recovery is and how you can get started healing from an affair.

What is Affair Recovery?

Affair recovery is a term used to describe the process a couple goes through after someone’s had an affair. Finding out your spouse has cheated is one of the most painful experiences you’ll go through. And admitting to someone you love that you’ve had an affair is difficult, painful, and embarrassing.

Navigating this crisis has to be done on your terms – you can’t force yourself to move at a pace you’re not comfortable with.

I recommend starting the process from a place of understanding. Understand that affairs emerge over time as a result of a multigenerational emotional process.³
I want to be clear: this doesn’t mean you’re excusing the cheating behavior or that the spouse that cheated isn’t held accountable. It just means you understand that there is something much bigger going on between just the two of you. The affair itself is a symptom of other problems.

Being open to this concept probably won’t happen overnight. That’s ok. It might take some time to even fully believe it but if you start the process from this place of understanding, you’re more open to the work that comes next and you’re investing in the longevity of your marriage.

The term affair recovery can be a bit misleading because the goal is more about growth than about recovery. Using the word recovery alludes to a situation where you’ll return to a previous state of “normal” or that you’ll be free from the hurt you’re feeling right now.

For most people, it’s about growing into a new phase of the marriage. The phase that moves forward as equals. 

You may begin this process on your own, but it’s important to know there are professionals that specialize in affair recovery. Finding a therapist who specializes in this area can help you develop a new perspective about yourself, about your marriage, and give you insight into how you can move forward. 

Remember, there’s no right or wrong way to go through affair recovery.

There is only finding the right way for YOU.

It’s an evolving process.

How to Heal After an Affair

Moving forward as equals is easier when you’re focusing on growth – growth as individuals and growth as a couple.⁴
At first, it’s normal for the cheating spouse to be in the proverbial doghouse. But if you want to heal, it’s not sustainable for the cheating spouse to stay in the doghouse for too long. 

Spouses who are in the doghouse are either still punishing themselves, or are willing to be punished because they think they deserve it. This submissiveness may be reassuring at first but the satisfaction you get from it is very short-lived. 

The “punishment,” and the submissiveness isn’t changing the fundamental problem –– it’s creating a new one. 

It’s distracting both of you from an important part of healing after an affair. The part where you move forward as equals. 

And equals are much less likely to cheat again. 

Healing After an Affair: Redefining Challenges

Real healing after an affair comes with redefining your challenges and sticking with them when the pain and loneliness come back. Affair recovery is a roller coaster ride, you’ll have highs and lows. It’s human nature to lose focus when you’re in pain. 

As humans, we try to force a quick solution. Forcing this process is a mistake. A quick solution may give you that immediate gratification but it’s not going to help you with long-term healing from the affair.

As you move through this process, think about the growth that needs to happen to sustain the marriage.

Asking good questions is the key to growth. 

Avoid questions that lead you down a dead end and trigger another argument.

Good questions help you think about the marriage as a whole and what you can do to help work through the problems you’re facing as a couple.

Here are a few questions you can ask:

• What was going on in my life (and in my family’s life) at the time? Did I feel helpless about it? (Try to be honest with yourself about this.)
• What similarities to my parents’ or grandparents’ relationships can I see in my relationships?
• What are my goals for myself in this relationship? And in other important relationships?
• Who do I want to be in this relationship?
• What are my life goals? Am I currently living according to those goals?

These are just a few examples of questions that will propel you forward in your affair recovery and explore how you can redefine the challenges you face. 

How Long Does Affair Recovery Take?

If you’re reading this, chances are your intention is to keep your commitment to your relationship. Even if you plan to do whatever it takes to stay in your marriage, many people want to know – how long does affair recovery take?

This question is difficult to answer. Every couple is different. Every couple comes from different backgrounds. Every couple has a unique set of problems. And every couple plays a different role in their relationship dynamic. 

If you work with a therapist who is trained in affair recovery, you’re probably going to move through the process quicker than doing it on your own. You’ll be able to explore your unique relationship dynamic and learn what’s working for your relationship and – more importantly – what isn’t working so you can change it. 

Getting through an affair seems like an insurmountable problem. It will stick with you. But you can get close again. You, and your marriage, can be changed by it – and it can be good.

Affair Recovery: A Family Systems View

As I mentioned before, I’ve been helping couples successfully work through extramarital affairs, and with that comes a unique perspective. This unique perspective includes extensive training in Bowen family systems theory which is highly effective when couples are dealing with affairs.

Dr. Murray Bowen developed a theory that humans function together, as an emotional unit.⁵

This family systems approach is crucial in affair recovery because you start by understanding the complex relationship between two people.

A systems approach takes a look at your unique family system and how each person functions within the system. This approach makes affair recovery unique to your relationship. Other therapists may give you prescribed date nights, and talk about rebuilding trust but often it’s not getting to the root of the problem.

With a family systems approach, we can look at the affair as a symptom of how the family’s emotional system is functioning. By taking a deep look into each person’s role within the system, each person is accountable for their actions. 

By understanding how each person behaves within the system, we can look to see where a “breakdown” could occur. This approach looks at what works within your family system and gives you the insight to strengthen it. But it’ll also help you discover what isn’t working and give you perspective on how to change that.

There is no blame game with this approach. Pointing fingers and ruminating on blame will not help you move forward in your marriage. Taking accountability, working on creating an equal partnership, and creating a healthy family dynamic is essential in affair recovery work.

If you’re looking for more support for affair recovery, our office provides:

• Secure, online, affair recovery counseling
• A safe, non judgemental space for both people to discuss their feelings
• Unique family systems approach specific to you

Affair recovery isn’t easy but with the right support, it’s possible. 

If you’re ready to talk to someone, fill out our contact form today.

Resources

1. How Long Does A Marriage Last After Infidelity? Marraige.com December 2021.
2. Infidelity: Mending Your Marriage After An Affair. Mayo Clinic. July 2021.
3. Webinar: Affair Recovery. Miriam Bellamy and Kelly Matthews.
4. 5 Marriage Reconciliation Mistakes To Avoid (And What To Do Instead). Marriage Help Colorado. 2022.
5. The Bowen Center For The Study Of The Family

Contact me or learn more about infidelity counseling!

The post Your Guide To Affair Recovery Counseling appeared first on Miriam Bellamy.

Your wedding day was the happiest day of your life. 

You never thought you’d be here, navigating the tough road of infidelity.

Before now, you thought this betrayal would be an absolute deal breaker.

Now that you’re here, it’s different. Reconciling your marriage after infidelity isn’t off the table. In fact, it’s more of a consideration than you ever imagined. But how do you deal with such an intense, emotional, turbulent period in your marriage?

Every couple and every situation is completely unique. But marriage reconciliation after infidelity is possible. 

Today I’m going to discuss five (very common) marriage reconciliation mistakes to avoid after infidelity and what you can do instead. 

5 Marriage Reconciliation Mistakes To Avoid After Infidelity 

Mistake #1: Rebuilding Trust

I know what you’re thinking, “what do you mean rebuilding trust is a mistake?” 

Well, there are a few reasons rebuilding trust backfires. When you’re dealing with infidelity, trust is often completely broken. 

If you’re the betrayed spouse you can’t shake that lingering feeling of mistrust. And you can inherently mistrust someone who’s working so damn hard to earn your trust back– as if it’s not genuine.

Or if you’re the unfaithful spouse you feel like you’re never going to earn back trust anyway so you just stop trying altogether. 

Rebuilding trust has a high rate of failure if it’s forced. If you’re the betrayed spouse you might think “If I can just trust again, I’ll feel more secure and everything will be ok.” 

Mistrust and anxiety can take on a life of their own in the marriage – overwhelming every aspect of it. 

There’s good news! There are practical, actionable steps you can take (instead of just waiting around for trust to come back.)

What you can do instead: Address the integrity of your marriage and work on emotional maturity.

This is essential during times of turmoil and trauma. 

Ways you can do this: 

• • • Let go of the notion that you can force trust to return.
    • Make choices that are about your personal values and your personal journey. 
    • Express your thoughts and feelings without getting into blame and without emotional debate.
    • Treat each other with compassion, empathy, and kindnes.¹
    • Learn to say “no’” in ways that are quiet and reflective rather than angry or rebellious.²

Trust must emerge naturally –it takes time and effort.

Mistake #2: Respond to your spouse’s pain with reassurance and love

You may feel like this is exactly the right thing to do. Responding with reassurance and love is important. But the common view with this advice is that when you do this, you’ll bond securely and love will swoop in and save the day. This oversimplifies a very complicated situation. To be honest it’s pretty idealistic. 

Rebuilding trust is extremely important. However, it should be the byproduct of the work – not the actual work itself. So how you do rebuild trust after infidelity? 

What you can do instead: Learn to connect and respond to conflict

When you do this, real-world application is essential. It’s more effective to apply this in your everyday life – not just when you’re sitting in a therapist’s office. 

Rebuilding connection is important because you’re more likely to approach conflict with calmness, empathy, and compassion. When you start to connect, it has to be self-directed and you need to go at your own pace. Marriage reconciliation after infidelity isn’t easy and everyone’s journey is going to be different. Be open and honest with your spouse about what you’re comfortable with in this process.

Mistake #3: Look to the cause of the affair

Pursuing answers from your spouse doesn’t help the marriage reconciliation process. It’s human nature to want to know why but it creates more distance in your marriage. Not sure about this? Spend a little time observing what happens between you when either of you pushes for an answer. 

If you’re the unfaithful spouse you may feel uncomfortable sharing details or you might not have the answers.

If you’re the betrayed spouse these answers don’t help you process the hurt and betrayal. In fact, it’s likely going to hinder the marriage reconciliation process. 

Pursuing these answers can lead you down a dead-end road instead of progressing forward.

What you can do instead: Develop a broader perspective of your marriage & reflect on the course of your relationship. 

Developing a broader perspective is like getting a bird’s eye view of your marriage. 

Look at the bigger picture and ask yourself: 

• What do you want from the relationship? 
• Why is reconciliation so important to you? 
• What goals do you have for your marriage?

Reflect back on when things were going well: 

• What can you do to get back to that place? 
• Where did things go astray? 
• Where do you want the relationship to go in the future? 

Reflecting on the course of your relationship will actually help you stop looking for the cause of the infidelity and continue moving forward in your marriage. 

Mistake #4: Dealing with your pain conventionally

Dealing with the pain of infidelity feels unbearable. It feels even worse when you’re given advice that doesn’t help. Such as you’re in control of your emotions and you need to learn to soothe yourself. This advice doesn’t help when you’re processing severe emotional pain. 

You might be doing all the right things to deal with your pain like journaling, communicating with your spouse – even therapy. 

If you’re trying this approach and it’s still not helping, here’s another way you can approach dealing with the emotional pain of infidelity. 

What you can do instead: Integrate emotions with facts and logic. 

Humans are emotional beings and, by definition, emotions are irrational. It’s easy to get caught up in your emotions so much that you make up stories in your mind based on your own fear and anxiety. 

Integrating facts and logic allows you to look at a situation objectively before you create a runaway narrative in your head.

Here are a few ways you can learn to integrate emotions with facts and logic:

• Step outside your emotions and look for the facts. Ask yourself, “what are the facts I have that support these feelings?” If you don’t have any, you may be letting your own fear and anxiety take over. 
• Use logical reasoning. If you have facts that support your feelings like you’re spouse said or did something to indicate there’s a problem, talk about it with them.
• Have an open discussion. Whether you have facts that support your feelings or you’re letting your own anxiety take over, have a discussion with your spouse. Open lines of communication can immediately resolve concerns and address anxiety. 

Neurofeedback is a great tool that can help you manage negative thought patterns. Think about neurofeedback as giving you extra information to help you make more thoughtful decisions during stressful, emotional times. 

Neuroptimal neurofeedback® can help you gain more clarity as it brings you back to the present moment and helps you manage negative thought loops that repeat over and over in your mind – thoughts that feed anger and resentment.³

After infidelity, marriage reconciliation is not a linear process. You’ll have ups and downs but having different tools in your toolbox will help you become less emotionally reactive so you can grow as a couple and as individuals.

Mistake # 5: Your focus is on recovery

Emotions are dynamic, and hurt and betrayal can be difficult to navigate. When you approach marriage reconciliation after infidelity with the mindset that you’ll completely recover, you might be setting yourself up for failure.

I’m not saying that you won’t recover and regain a happy and fulfilling marriage but a simple mindset shift will help you set realistic expectations and put less pressure on the reconciliation process.

What you can do instead: Understand that it’s about growth 

This journey is about growth as individuals and growth as a couple.

If you start by taking the actionable steps discussed in this article, you’re well on your way to growing. Relationships are constantly changing. It’s hard to say exactly where you’ll be at the end of the reconciliation process but growth is inevitable. 

The goal isn’t recovery but growth to move forward as you enter this new phase of your marriage.

Marriage Reconciliation After Infidelity: Next Steps

Marriage reconciliation after infidelity can be emotionally draining, intense, and difficult. This article gave you new ways to approach working through the most difficult time of your life. 

Sometimes, you need more. 

If you’re looking for more support, our staff of Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists have a combined 40+ years of experience. Our support goes beyond teaching simple communication skills. 

We understand that relationships are complex. We work with your family as a unique family system to break negative patterns and navigate emotional pain.

We offer private, online infidelity counseling that you can do in the comfort of your own home. 

If you’re ready to get more support, contact me or learn more about infidelity counseling!

The post 5 Marriage Reconciliation Mistakes To Avoid After Infidelity appeared first on Miriam Bellamy.

Many couples, after the affair, experience a kind of honeymoon phase with high highs and low lows, with a lot of clinging to each other and then swinging to a lot of intense conflict. Even if there isn’t a kind of honeymoon phase, couples experience a kind of intensity that is difficult to bear. Once this begins to settle down a bit, couples are able to settle in and do some life changing work in affair recovery work. But it takes more than date nights, “I” statements, trust checklists, and getting vulnerable.

Kelly states, “The work has to be more than just date nights and so forth.” She says couples will say to themselves, “We’re doing all the things the books are telling us to do…that conventional therapy is telling us to do, and it’s not enough. It’s not moving this ball enough.” Kelly says, “I think this is where the wisdom of Bowen Theory can come in.”

“If there is anybody,” Miriam says, “who understands that there has to be something more [than just date nights and trust checklists] it’s the couples going through affair recovery. Because it just puts a couple right up against a wall…People have to be able to dig in and think about this differently if they’re going to make it through.”

Family System and The Self

In Bowen Family Systems Theory, development of one’s self is key. We call it Differentiation of Self. It means being yourself while in close proximity to family members (including spouse) where, for whatever reasons, it’s hardest for you to be yourself.

Join Kelly Matthews, LCSW and Miriam Bellamy, LMFT in this 30+ minute webinar as we explore affairs and affair recovery from the perspective of Bowen Family Systems Theory. Conventional approaches to affair recovery can encourage a process that can make things worse…the kind of emotional process that made the marriage vulnerable to an affair in the first place. We explore an alternate route. We will discuss the challenges of developing a self in marriage and family life, asking what vs. why, and what actually goes into the personal accountability of the cheating spouse.

Contact me or learn more about infidelity counseling!

The post Webinar Series: Affair Recovery appeared first on Miriam Bellamy.

A couple of years ago a couple came to me…we’ll call them Liz and Tim. Liz, a forty-something, stay at home mom who was sad and angry and unsure of whether there was hope. Her husband, Tim, had an affair two years prior and she was still deeply conflicted between wanting to punish him and not wanting to lose him. Tim, a very busy owner of a chain of retail stores, sat next to her, his head in his hands, looking defeated. He didn’t know what to do anymore either. They had been married 13 years, they had 2 daughters, and Tim did not want to lose his family. He was deeply conflicted between his anger and his guilt and his wish to keep his family together.

In two years of struggle, Tim and Liz were rigidly poised in their own corners. Neither knew what to do anymore. The easy laughter and private sense they used to share that they were meant for each other had not returned. Quite the opposite, they were feeling like maybe getting married to each other had been a big mistake.

The Conventional Thinking

During Tim and Liz’s infidelity counseling sessions, they were encouraged to make their relationship the most important thing in their lives, schedule date nights and deeply listen to one another…to get vulnerable with each other. Tim, in particular, had been instructed to pay closer attention to Liz and what she needed. He was told to answer her questions and listen openly as she talked. He was to be aware of her insecurities and to be sensitive to attending to her when they arose. In the beginning, Tim stayed close to Liz as much as he could and strived to make her feel reassured and safe. In addition, to demonstrate he had nothing to hide, Tim gave Liz all of his passwords and access to his cell phone and answered every question she had about the affair. The advice seemed to work at first, but over time, neither Tim nor Liz felt the kind of meaningful connection they were hoping for. Tim developed a feeling he had to take care of Liz, and over time Liz experienced greater anxiety and less confidence. Family life was suffering as one of their two daughters started performing and behaving badly in school and at home.

The more Liz’s anxiety and anger increased, the more she fought with Tim to try to get some kind of answer. Some kind of reassurance that this could be solved. The more Tim tried to solve this for her, the more defeated he felt. The more they looked to each other for answers, the more they fought, the less desire they felt to be intimate, both emotionally and physically. A vicious cycle, to say the least.

A Different Approach to Infidelity Counseling

I want to share with you one of our initial conversations. It is one I have early on with many couples in this situation. It is one that I hope resets the stage for them. Gets them thinking about their predicament, not just feeling about it. As I relay this conversation to you, I invite you to listen for some of the differences between my thinking, which is Family Systems based, and the thinking that is more familiar to most couples…the thinking that was behind the initial infidelity counseling that Liz and Tim sought out…the date nights, the communication, and the encouragement toward trust, reassurance, and meeting each others needs.

A New Conversation about the Same Old Things:

“I just don’t trust him anymore and no matter what I do and no matter what he does, the feeling doesn’t change.” Liz sat in my office with her husband Tim on the opposite end of the couch. “Something broke when he cheated and we haven’t been able to get it back, even after two years of working on it! I’m so tired and I’m so burned out and I just don’t know what to do anymore.” She was sitting with her legs crossed, shoulders rigid, breathing shallowly.

“Maybe you should stop trying to trust him.” I saw her brow wrinkle as I spoke.

“I’m sorry?”

“Maybe you should stop trying to trust him. It doesn’t seem to be working for you.” I noticed Tim shift a bit on his end of the couch.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Liz looked at me like I’d lost my mind.

“My understanding is that you’ve done everything you’ve been asked to do to recover trust. You’ve done the communication stuff, you’ve tried dating, you’ve tried spicing up your sex life. Tim, my understanding is that you’ve spent a lot of time trying to reassure Liz, going at her pace, empathizing, and so forth.”

Tim nods.

“Yet you’re both miserable and not anywhere close to trusting. Maybe you should consider that trying to trust each other isn’t a workable solution for you – and perhaps something that may have caused more problems than it solved.”

Liz continued. “I still don’t know what you’re talking about!”

“Have you been working on rebuilding trust for a good while now?”

“Yes.”

“Have you done everything it makes sense to do to get yourself to believe Tim?”

“Yes.”

“Has it worked?”

“No.”

“Then maybe you know what I’m talking about.”

Liz paused to think. “You mean, working on trust isn’t working because it doesn’t work?”

“Yes, something like that.”

Liz was still confused but she was at least beginning to let go of the idea that working on trust was the path for them. Letting go of an unproductive idea is the most important first step.

“But if I can’t trust him then I can’t be with him. If we can’t get trust back then there’s no hope.”

“As we go through this process, divorce may be something you will consider. But that’s not the question on the table. What we’re talking about is whether trying to rebuild trust is effective for you. You’re beginning to consider the idea that it hasn’t been helpful. In my experience with couples, getting trust back seems to be better thought of as an end result rather than the pathway. It might be helpful for you both to consider what rebuilding trust even means – what it really means. What have you guys been working on these last two years?”

Tim spoke. “Rebuilding trust means getting her to believe me again. It means getting her to see the real me, not the guy who screwed up two years ago.”

“So, rebuilding trust means you’ve been working on Liz’s mind?”

“No. It means getting her to see me. That’s all.”

“How is that not working on her mind rather than on your own?”

“Well. OK. I see your point. But I have been working on myself! I’ve been working on myself ever since we met! If Liz doesn’t like something, I change it! She used to always complain that I would try to fix her problems whenever she wanted to just talk about them. She asked me to stop, so I did! Since the affair, I’ve done everything I possibly could to make up for the crap I caused. But it never works. It’s never enough. She just doesn’t appreciate me, no matter what I do.”

“It’s a tough corner you’re wedged into with each other. Liz wants you to listen better to make her feel heard and what have you, and you want to feel the gratification of making her feel better. So you bend over backwards to do just that, and it doesn’t quite go over. And then perhaps, after enough time has passed, you start to wonder when she is going to make you feel better. Sound about right?”

“I hate the way that sounds, but yeah. That’s what it turns into in the end. Shouldn’t it be that way though? I look out for her, and she looks out for me.”

“I think we can get to that kind of a place eventually. But again, that place is more of a result rather than a path. But tell me how this way of thinking about your relationship is not just an elaborate way to work on Liz’s mind rather than your own – to get her to feel good or happy or whatever so that you can, in turn, get to feel good too.”

Tim sat back and let a long breath flow out. He was beginning to catch a glimpse of his part in their stuck pattern. “OK. I can see that. But what else am I supposed to do when she’s so unhappy?”

“Perhaps trying to make your wife feel happy or reassured is like trying to make her feel trust. Perhaps it’s just one of those automatic, go-to solutions for you guys that simply isn’t effective and that just makes things worse in the end. I’m sure you’ve attempted this same kind of approach elsewhere in your life – in other relationships. Most of us do. What kind of success would you say you’ve had with it in general?”

“Very little, if any.” Tim had a shadow of a smile forming – thinking of the absurdity of trying to get others to change.

“And what is your typical reaction to someone who is trying to “help” you change? Someone who is ultimately working on your mind and not their own?”

“Not great. But that doesn’t stop me from trying to do it to them!” Tim’s ironic smile began to lighten the mood in the office. “I guess I hadn’t thought of it as changing others vs. changing me first.” Tim sat back and thought a minute. “Actually, I’ve stepped up efforts lately at work to get people to care more about the company and the work with reward incentives and so forth. But the more I try to do this, the more it seems to grind to a halt.”

“Right. So, if you really want to grind change to a halt in your marriage, then start by trying to get your wife here to change.”

Liz chuckled. She turned to Tim and with a sly grin said, “Yeah, quit trying to change me, would ya?”

Tim turned to her sharply and said, “Quit begging me to try to change you!”

All Bound Up and No Place to Go

Both Liz and Tim began to realize in that moment that what they’d been doing to help their marriage had run its course. Over the past two years since Tim’s affair, Liz’s anxious approach went something like this: Tell me you’ll never do it again (even though I can’t believe you). Tell me you are honest (even though I know you are capable of great untruths). Make me believe you (more than I believe myself). In other words, Liz wanted Tim to change her mind about him, but her automatic, natural resistance to this was beyond her awareness and control. And her desperate attempts to get out of the bind they were in was actually tightening its grip on both of them.

For the spouse who has cheated who might be less willing to turn himself inside out like Tim, this emotional process can really place them in a bind, which goes something like this: I’m here to make you feel safe again. (Even though I know you don’t really believe me or trust me to do so.) I’m really a good guy. (But if I can’t convince you of it then maybe we’re hopeless!) Wait a minute, I was unhappy in this marriage too (But I don’t have a leg to stand on so nevermind!) With this kind of automatic, emotional tug-of-war going on, it was no wonder Liz’s and Tim’s marriage was still in trouble when they first came to me. The very help they had been seeking had inadvertently led them into the bind they were already in.

After a year of infidelity counseling, with a different kind of perspective, Liz and Tim’s marriage was finally coming back together.

Want more information about a different approach to infidelity counseling? Contact me or learn more about infidelity counseling!

The post Infidelity Counseling: What you need to know appeared first on Miriam Bellamy.