A Leg to Stand On

I don’t often write posts specifically for the cheating spouse, although I think much of what I write is applicable to both spouses. In the past, writing specifically for the cheating spouse seems to get fairly strong reactions from betrayed spouses. But I think, in this 12-part series, it’s long overdue. I have cheating spouses who contact me regularly, who feel terrible and are stuck mentally and emotionally. They are doing their own grieving, have their own anxieties and self-doubts, and are in need of their own kind of healing. As I stated in the last post, a betrayed spouse does not want their cheating spouse in the dog house forever. The cost becomes too high over time. So, let’s explore ways out, where one can stand up right, on two legs and not four.

For the Cheating Spouse

Cheating spouses who are in affair recovery often ask themselves whythey did it. They wonder what kind of personthey must be to have done such a thing. I often find that these questions are not helpful—and I think asking good questions is key to growth. Asking bad questions can lead a person and a couple in circles for years. But how can one tell if a question is helpful or harmful?

I think it has to do with the kinds of answers that come up—and whether these answers lead one in circles or in more of a forward direction. Forward direction might, over time, look like forgiveness of self, greater clarity, more thoughtful observations vs. emotional reactions, and greater relaxation and openness in one’s relationships, including the marriage. Usually when people ask themselves why, they only come up with negative answers. Usually when people ask what-kind-of-a-person-does-this-make-me, the same happens. There are no helpful answers to these questions as inherent in the questions are the negative answers.

Some Better Questions for the Cheating Spouse to Ask

Questions that I think are complex and difficult but that seem to be more helpful include (and most of these really can be for the betrayed spouse OR for the cheating spouse:

• (Literally, not rhetorically) What was I thinking at the time?
• What lies was I telling myself?
• What was going on in my life and in my family’s life at the time, and why did I feel so helpless about it?
• Am I helpless?
• How quickly do I jump to helplessness when I am stressed in the marriage?
• Do I jump as quickly at work or in other areas of my life?
• How quickly do I jump to be “helpful” or a fixer when stressed in my marriage?
• What similarities to my parents’ relationship can I see in my relationships?
• What emotions do I have when I’m under stress?
• What emotional thoughts do I have when I’m under stress?
• What are my goals for myself in this relationship? In other important relationships?
• What are my life goals, and to what extent am I living according to those goals?

The “I” Position

To be clear, I’m not saying that these are THE questions to ask oneself or to discuss with your spouse. These are just some examples that may or may not fit perfectly for you and your situation. The essential factors in learning to ask yourself helpful questions are these:

• Are the questions personal…are they about ME personally?
• Do the questions imply self-blame?
• Do the questions imply some kind of blame of my spouse?
• Are the questions from a place openness and genuine curiosity?

As I have emphasized in all of the posts in this 12-part series, what you do with self or “I” is the most important, impactful thing you can do. It might also be the most difficult thing to “see” objectively though. Especially when dealing with infidelity. The tendency to blame your spouse or to blame yourself is enormous. Somehow, couples who come out of this alive are able to slowly, over time, take out the blame. I think asking more helpful questions is key to this process.

Belief #1: People do the best they can at any given moment. The-best-they-can does not always mean great, and sometimes it means terrible.

Belief #2: How a couple reacts to the affair is usually worse for them than the actual affair.

Belief #3: An affair is much bigger than just the two of you. It is a multigenerational balancing act gone off kilter.

Belief #4 Your family, including your family of origin, is your greatest resource in your healing and in your growth.

Belief #5: The challenge isn’t your spouse. The challenge is your own development as a human.

Belief #6: Nobody wins EVER in the blame game. Asking better—non-blaming—questions is an important effort to make and to sustain.

Be sure to check out our page on using neurofeedback to help with the triggers, the thought loops, and sleep. We run sessions in office, and we rent out systems across the country for at home neurofeedback. You can also contact me to get started.

The post How to Recover from an Affair: Part 11 appeared first on Miriam Bellamy.

“A problem well defined is half solved.”
-Pete Bellamy (my dad)

John was struggling terribly. His grief was palpable in the counseling session. He believed that his wife Ginny didn’t really understand how much pain he was in from her affair. If she knew, he thought, if she really understood, she wouldn’t get so impatient when he got upset or angry or when he felt lost. She would be more loving. “She would be more penitent,” he said.

When she had first told John about the affair, she was penitent. Very penitent. She was the one who had done wrong, and she knew it, and she felt she deserved it. In this stage of healing after an affair, the spouse who cheated is often in a kind of submissive role, and the betrayed spouse is much less so, often in a dominant or dominating role. Often times, when this is the reaction, there is a lot more sex, a lot more making up, a lot more cohesiveness-even if there is still a lot of pain.

But this phase of things inevitably runs out. And it’s scary when it happens. And painful.

And absolutely necessary.

You Don’t Want Your Spouse in the Dog House…For the Long Term

Spouses who are in the doghouse are spouses who are either still punishing themselves-or are willing to be punished-or willing to make you think they are willing to be punished in worst case scenarios. This submissiveness may be reassuring, but it is not sustainable. It’s not changing the fundamental problem; it’s creating a new one. It’s distracting both of you from an important part of healing after an affair…the part where you move forward as equals. And equals are much less likely to cheat again.

John wanted to define the problem as one of a lack of penitence. Ginny wanted to define the problem as John’s need to punish her. With these definitions, each had only one option. Somehow, some way, get the other to change their stance or perspective. We all know how well that works.

But maybe you need this for a while. Maybe your spouse will be OK with it. For a while. I don’t think you need to force anything here. I think we do best when we ride these waves, and slowly, over time, learn to observe them. And then slowly begin to turn the ship. If the anxiety is just too high, or the pain too great, then get your reassurance if you can. But if you’re ready for the next stage in healing, and you can handle it, then consider redefining the challenges before you.

Healing After An Affair: Redefining the Challenges

For John and Ginny, the affair recovery work became more personal. John was able to become more observant of his own anxiety and anxious reactions to Ginny’s moods, Ginny’s whereabouts, and whether Ginny was “doing her own work” of recovery. He recognized that focusing on her seemed to lead directly to an increase in his own anxiety and depression-which then seemed to trigger her moodiness-and around they went. As John slowly shifted his intense worry and focus on Ginny, he started to feel better. In other words, as John’s thinking improved, so did his feelings.

Ginny felt better as a result of John’s shifting stance. Over time, she was able to identify how she became vulnerable to the affair. She began to express her opinions and disagreements on various subjects with John less reactively, and John began to listen more.

The Trick

The real trick in redefining the challenges is sticking with it when the pain and loneliness increase. As a species, we tend to lose focus when in pain. We try to force a quick solution. We have to begin to be in it for the long game, sometimes at the cost of the short games we play to alleviate our suffering.

Review of Beliefs That Couples Who Do Well Adopt:

Belief #1: People do the best they can at any given moment. The-best-they-can does not always mean great, and sometimes it means terrible.

Belief #2: How a couple reacts to the affair is usually worse for them than the actual affair.

Belief #3: An affair is much bigger than just the two of you. It is a multigenerational balancing act gone off kilter.

Belief #4 Your family, including your family of origin, is your greatest resource in your healing and in your growth.

Belief #5: The challenge isn’t your spouse. The challenge is your own development as a human.

Thanks for your subscription and apologies for the delay in posting! I’ve been working on another project you may find interesting. I’ve started doing neurofeedback, and my clients who are going through infidelity are finding it very helpful with triggers and sleep and clarity. Check out the site or send me an email if you want to know more! Learn more about neurofeedback, you can also contact me to get started.

The post How to Recover from an Affair: Part 10 appeared first on Miriam Bellamy.