Hope After Betrayal

Couples in affair recovery who are eventually able to trust each other, have done so slowly and deliberately. There is a dedication. A focus. And after years of working with one couple and another, I see each new relationship as its own work of art. A work of simplicity. Even though the road there had serious ups and downs…and extraordinary pain. The path forward is like hiking. One step at a time. Each new stone that must be trod. The heat that threatens to take you down. Each new incline. Each new seemingly uncrossable hitch in the road. The quiet that begins to develop. The peace after so much time and effort. It is a meditation on repentance. On humility. On acceptance of being human. Walking…and weaving…weaving a self together. Weaving a soul back together. And then weaving a bridge back to each other.

The Bridge at Q’Eswachaka

Every year three Incan communities come together in June to remake the bridge at Q’Eswachaka. They cut down the old bridge from the year before and weave a new one across the canyon. The process is deliberate, painstaking, and slow. It takes everyone from each of these communities to complete the process. The most compelling part of this engineering feat is the preparation of the cords, ropes, and cables that make up the foundation of the bridge. Each rope twisted together into small braids, then twisted together into larger ropes consisting of 30 of these braids. Three of these fat ropes are then braided into the large cables. Once the cables are braided together, 40 or 50 men pull and stretch the cables as if in a tug-of-war. The cables must be pulled and stretched to strengthen them. Unless they are tested, the final bridge would sag and become dangerous to walk on.

Much like the work on the self during affair recovery, you must be pulled and stretched. You must be made into something strong and dependable. Both of you. Where I think couples can get into trouble is when people are stretched too thin. They are stretched beyond their limits. Beyond what is helpful…and strengthening. The good news is that there are things you might be able to do now that will help you get closer to the strength you each need to develop.

One of the most common ways I see people being stretched beyond their limits is when they are trying to get to trust too quickly. The most common manifestation of this is when the partner who has been betrayed is working, consciously or not, to force the truth out of their spouse. It’s a vicious loop you might be caught in even now. Perhaps you ask them a question, and something just doesn’t feel right. They look away or the tone changes or perhaps you have data they don’t know you have. You are testing them. You want to know they will tell you the truth from here on out. You want to know…you can trust them. It’s hard to face the fact that you don’t. You…don’t…trust…them. And you don’t know what that means for the relationship. Not trusting them feels so profoundly painful, you want to do something about it. You don’t know how a relationship can go forward without trust. So you test. You search. You may even call it an effort to rebuild trust. You want to see if it’s really true—if you really can’t trust them…when you already know…that you don’t. Accepting that doesn’t hinder progress. It propels you forward. Because it’s honest. Because it takes courage. And, if nothing else, trust takes courage. Like a lighthouse on a stormy sea, endlessly sweeping its beam across the waters, you might feel like you are searching for something that could be lurking just beyond the horizon, even though the storm before you is evident. You check every text, every email, every ATM withdrawal to see if there are any exceptions. Any possibility that there is hope. The hope lies not in whether they are telling the truth, but in whether you can accept your own truth. If you can face and accept your own truth—that you no longer trust them. You…don’t…trust…them. Do you trust yourself on that? Can you develop the courage to trust yourself?

If you can learn to accept that trust is truly broken, then you move to the next dilemma. How can you live day-to-day in a marriage without trust? Several clients I’m working with right now have come up with a solution. A temporary one, but still a solution. They consider the marriage they had to be over. The bridge has been cut down. And they are working on letting it go. They are learning to let go of chasing the spouse for facts. They are learning to trust themselves. And they are interacting from a place inside themselves that is still forming. A place of self-trust. A place where they are learning to say no. Where they are learning their limits. What they can and can’t do, say, think, and feel. Honoring their limits is strengthening. Stretching beyond them is weakening.

If you are stuck in your affair recovery, consider that it might be because you are resisting letting go of the old bridge. Resisting letting go of what is broken. Resisting venturing into unknown territory.

If you would like help with this letting go—or with this unknown territory—please reach out. There is work to be done here, and it’ll more productive and helpful for you and for your marriage than holding on to a bridge that is broken.

Let’s talk on the phone for a free 15-minute consultation to see if I can add something to the work you are doing. I think I can. And I think you will be propelled forward in your affair recovery work.

Fill out our contact form here: https://miriambellamy.com/golden-co/

Or reach out directly: 303-222-5118 OR mrbellamy924@gmail.com

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Going through a breakup is devastating. Whether it’s a marriage, a long-term partnership, or a short relationship there are a lot of emotions to manage. 

Your whole world changes. 

You’re uncertain about the future. 

You’re confused, angry, and sad.

It’s hard to simply “move on.” 

Going through a breakup is a form of grieving. And it’s not easy.

Today we’re going to discuss how to cope with a breakup, learn how to heal from a breakup, and even recognize when it’s time to get professional help.

With decades of experience, our therapists understand that breakups are hard. We want to help you work through it. 

Coping With a Breakup: Processing Your Emotions  

There are a lot of emotions that go into coping with a breakup, processing it, and healing from it. 

Relationship loss can trigger a lot of feelings such as:^1,2

• Disbelief
• Fear
• Anger
• Resentment
• Betrayal
• Sadness
• Confusion
• Loneliness
• Shock
• Anxiety
• Rejection
• Sadness 
• Grief

This is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the emotions you feel. It’s not uncommon to feel opposing emotions at the same time – relief and loneliness.

A newfound sense of freedom and sadness. 

There is no right or wrong way to feel after a breakup. Going through a breakup is complicated – even if you’re the one who initiated it!

Acknowledging and recognizing your feelings after a breakup is important. Give yourself permission to feel these emotions and take your time.

How Long Does it Take to Heal From a Breakup?

When it comes to healing from a breakup, everyone is different. Breakups are complicated and often have a significant impact on your life. Your breakup might trigger a profound sense of loss and grief in other areas of your life. 

Your social dynamics might change – you might lose mutual friends or lose your partner’s family. You might need to find a new place to live. You need to navigate co-parenting. You’re dealing with these changes while grieving the loss of the life you built with this person.  It takes time to process and work through.¹

Everyone goes through a grieving process during a breakup. You may still grieve the loss of a relationship if you’re the one who ended it or if you wanted the breakup.^1,2

That’s ok.

Give yourself some grace and don’t rush yourself through the process. It’s easy to judge yourself on what you “should” do or how you “should” be handling it. Judging yourself like this won’t help you move forward. Everyone’s healing journey will be different. 

Nobody can tell you exactly how long it will take to heal from your breakup. There are things you can do to help yourself move forward when you’re ready. This is a time to focus on taking care of yourself and allowing time for personal growth. 

Here are five things you can start doing today to help you heal after a breakup. 

How to Heal After a Breakup

There are so many different things you can do to help yourself get through this difficult time. 

If you’re unsure how to navigate this process, here are a few things you can start doing today.

Take care of yourself

Taking care of yourself is crucial. This is going to look different for everyone. If you’re really struggling, focus on just the basics. Make sure your eating, sleeping, and keeping a basic routine. You’re going through a lot of changes but routines you can rely on will help you feel safe and secure. Exercising and journaling can help. Whatever you choose, make sure you’re taking the time to nourish your physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being. 

Go at your own pace

Give yourself the time you need to process your emotions and grieve the loss of your relationship. Allow yourself to feel your emotions and work through them. Set boundaries with friends or family that are pushing you to move through this faster than you can.

Let go of the “why”

You may know exactly why your relationship ended. Sometimes it’s not as clear and the breakup can be confusing. This is extremely difficult when you just want answers. Your partner might not be truthful with you or they may not want to hurt you. If you can’t get the answers you’re looking for, finding closure might be more difficult – but it’s not impossible. It may take you longer to find closure but in the meantime, you can use this time for self-reflection and personal growth.

Self-reflection and personal growth

Going through a breakup can be a great time for self-reflection and discovering what you want out of life. 

Are you living the life you truly want? 

This is a great time to reevaluate your personal values. Did you sacrifice any of your personal values for the sake of the relationship? (Don’t worry, this happens to the best of us!) Now is a great time to get to know yourself outside of your relationship and focus on the future.

You may want to ask yourself a few self-reflection questions:

• What went well in the relationship? 
• What are your future goals?
• What do you want in a partner? 
• What can you learn for future relationships?

Lean on your support system

This is a great time to lean on friends, family, and even a therapist. Talking with a trusted support system can help you process your feelings, get advice and help you feel less alone.¹

These are great ways to get started healing from a breakup but sometimes you need extra support. Let’s talk about when you might need to seek professional help in dealing with a breakup.

When to Get Help From a Therapist 

Sometimes you may need to talk to a professional to help work through a breakup or relationship loss. 

That’s ok. There is absolutely nothing wrong with seeking the support you need to get through a tough time.

Give yourself permission to lean on professionals who understand that breakups can have a significant impact on your life.

You can always seek out support from a therapist if you want. You should always consider talking to a therapist if your breakup is interfering with your everyday life or you’re:

• Engaging in unhealthy coping mechanisms
• Depressed or anxious
• Feeling like your identity has been lost
• Not taking care of yourself
• Trying to cope on your own but you just aren’t making progress

A therapist is a neutral, non-judgmental person to create safe space for you to express yourself. A therapist can help you get a new perspective on your breakup, provide emotional support, and help you set new goals for yourself.

Working with a therapist after a breakup can help you gain…..

• A better sense of self
• Positive self-esteem
• A better perspective of the relationship 
• Clarity on where you are in your life now and where you’re going
• Positive coping strategies 
• A plan to reach your personal goals

Get Started With Online Therapy After a Breakup

I’m a licensed therapist ready to help you process your emotions after a breakup or a divorce. I know relationships are complex. I understand the impact relationship loss has on your life. 

Feel empowered to trust yourself again and confidently make the best decisions for your life.

I provide online therapy for relationship loss and divorce support. When you work with me, I help you:

• Be the best version of yourself! We work to find solutions and empower you to make the right decisions for you.
• Identify negative thoughts, feelings, and patterns in your life and help you to make necessary changes.
• Work toward your goals while being flexible about what you’re going through in your life. (We’ll always be very intentional with your time and work towards your goals!)
• Identify and work through how relationships impact everyone in your family. When we understand a family system, we can work through your concerns and help you develop a new perspective.

If you’re ready to start online therapy or relationship coaching to help you heal from a breakup, contact me today.

References 

1. Coping With A Breakup or Divorce. Helpguide.org
2. Grieving After A Breakup: 6 Strategies To Help You Heal. Cleveland Clinic. 2019

The post How To Heal After A Breakup appeared first on Miriam Bellamy.

When I hear the idea of holy conversations I think of the larger social, cultural, political conversations that never quite finish or resolve. But I also think of the more intimate conversations between husbands and wives, mothers and sons, brothers and sisters. I’m thinking of all my mother and I haven’t said yet. Whew. What’s missing could fill stadiums. But I’m working on it. I’m working on it.

Regardless of what comes to mind, the idea of holy conversations is an intriguing one. And so is the consideration of what might be getting in the way of us having them.

When it comes to race relations in the US, perhaps it can come down to the mere idea of distance. We are still a highly segregated society. Something like 91% of whites don’t have people of color in their lives–and I’m told the statistic is largely the same among people of color not having any white friends. Distance is how most of us solve most emotional/anxiety based problems, irrespective of race. We simply remove ourselves.

Would it be possible to un-complicate this very complex issue? What does it take to close the distance between two human beings–be it on a larger social scale or on a much smaller one, like in your marriage or between you and your sister? Mother? Grandfather?

What might it take to have a holy conversation in your significant relationships? What part might you play in those conversations that never quite finish? Consider the following three principles to help you assess how you’re doing and to see if there is some way you can improve your part of the equation.

Curiosity

Curiosity is the desire to know something. When you’re thinking of your relationship with your spouse or your children what do you desire to know about them? Perhaps you feel you know all there is to know about them when it comes to problems and conflict. Perhaps you recognize you know very little. Can you think of 2 or 3 things you really don’t know about their perspective or about where they are coming from? Can you think of 2 or 3 ways you can approach them that aren’t demanding or emotionally laden? Inherent in the principle of curiosity is a lightness of spirit—a nice alternative to the heaviness we often feel in our relationships.

Detachment

Detachment gets a bad wrap in our culture these days. It sounds cold and unfeeling, but it’s actually part of the foundation of warm, open, and caring relationships. Detachment is all about calm—not acting calm or faking it until you make it—but actually being calm. And I’m not talking about being calm when you’re by yourself and not being challenged. I’m talking about walking around in the midst of conflict or chaos in a state of chill. Sounds nice, doesn’t it? How might you assess what your current level of chill is in your most important relationships? Here are a few questions from therapist and writer Lorna Hecht-Zablow to ask yourself to begin to understand where you are on the continuum between chill and kill. Answer each question with a number between one and ten, ten being an extreme ‘yes’ and one being quite low.

1. How aware are you of each other’s moods?
2. How easily do you “push each others buttons”?
3. To what degree do you have the feeling of “walking on eggshells?”
4. To what degree do you try to avoid controversial topics?
5. How concerned are you about hurting others’ feelings?
6. How easily do your own feelings get hurt?

If you’re scoring on the low side, don’t worry. You’re in good company with the rest of us 7 billion or so human types. One of the most powerful and direct ways of getting to a more chill place (and staying there) has something to do with how far we can get practicing the third principle below.

Meaningful Connections with Multiple Family Members

How possible is it, in your extended family, to have a holy conversation? One where you are really curious about another, one where you can learn something you didn’t know you didn’t know. One where old conflicts turn into  what-were-we-so-upset-about? The reality is, the chances of having a holy conversation with your mother or great aunt or whoever won’t be increasing if you don’t even show up. Keeping your distance, for sure, is highly adaptive in keeping the peace for a time. But it tends to escalate things over the long haul because it makes relatively small issues seem bigger and bigger–kind of like how our fear of the little monster in the closet turns it into a fire breathing dragon before we’ve been properly introduced. As the theory goes, the more we are able to succeed with our original families, the easier it is to live with more calm and curiosity in our chosen families and in society.

Contact me or learn more about relationship coaching!

The post Holy Conversations appeared first on Miriam Bellamy.

When it comes to marital problems, you cannot simply insert good communication techniques and get good results. In fact, you cannot open–marriage–and–insert–any–good–behavior and expect to resolve longstanding issues. Why? Because when it comes to human relationships, you cannot force change no matter how long or how hard you try. Believe me. I know.

There is something much bigger than good communication techniques. Much bigger than statements of affirmation or acts of service. Much bigger than filling your partner’s so called love tank. That something bigger is called the emotional system—a kind of relational machine with countless moving parts. And when one part moves it impacts all of the other parts, the impact of which ripples back and forth through the system so much so that you can no longer tell which came first, the screaming or the silent treatment.

The emotional system has a kind of momentum that has been rolling hard…downhill…for a long time. For generations, in fact. Whatever problems you’re having in your relationship, you came by them honestly.

The Emotional System Is Good News!

The good news is you can relax…you know who you are…you who constantly thinks about your relationships, reads relationship blogs like this one, you who analyzes, obsesses, and watches every word, every tone…both yours and your partner’s. When you begin to consider the complexity and enormity of emotional systems, the only thing that makes sense is exhaling, chillin’, lettin’ go. ♫ Let it go…Let it go… ♫ But I digress. Over thinking, over analyzing, and over communicating will get you nowhere but over it! The relationship and its problems are bigger than you and bigger than your spouse, and no amount of trying to force change is going to get the job done.

This means you’re off the hook…and so is your partner. No. Seriously. The only thing that makes sense when you adopt a systems perspective is that the on-the-hook mentality has to go. People often mistake this for zero accountability, but nothing could be further from the truth. When we can stop, for just a minute, analyzing and diagnosing and mentally, if not verbally, berating our spouses, then and only then, is there space for movement, improvement, change. Why? Because what is lacking in the majority of emotional systems is space. It too quickly gets all mucked up with automatic—as in pre-programmed—emotional reactions which give the emotional system its momentum.

Creating Space

When it comes to creating space in relationships, I’m not talking about avoiding-certain-topics-so-as-to-avoid-upsetting-him-or–her kind of space. That’s called distance. I’m talking about when you’re together, sitting on the couch, talking with each other—do you occupy space? To what degree—and all of us are different in our abilities here—are you able to be a solid person, a know-who-you-are kind of person, next to your spouse? To what degree are you reacting to him or her and to what degree are you having your own independent, emotionally-informed, but logical thoughts?

Understanding Emotional Systems

To really understand how emotional systems work and how you contribute to the status quo, you’ve got to study how systems work. It’s like studying anything in the natural world—you’ve got to have a theory, a guiding body of knowledge! Here is a list of the eight principles of emotional systems theory:

1. Differentiation
2. Triangles
3. Nuclear Family Process
4. Family Projection Process
5. Multigenerational Transmission Process
6. Emotional Cutoff
7. Sibling Position
8. Societal Emotional Process

Meanwhile, take a chill pill and realize that this thing is bigger than you and any paltry communication techniques you’d like to install.

Contact me or learn more about relationship coaching!

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