If you were betrayed, you may find yourself analyzing conversations, watching behavior, looking for inconsistencies, and wondering whether what you’re seeing is real. If you were the one who broke the trust, the question may sound different: How could I have done this? How do I know I won’t do it again?

Those are important questions. But I believe there’s another question that comes first:

Can I trust myself?

Rebuilding after infidelity is a lot like rebuilding a bridge. For the past several years, I’ve been studying an ancient Inca bridge in Peru that has been cut down and rebuilt every year for more than 500 years. I’ve traveled there twice now to witness the process firsthand, and the parallels between building that bridge and rebuilding after a relationship rupture continue to surprise me.

The work is physical. It’s emotional. It’s demanding. It requires enormous tension. And before the bridge can safely carry anyone across the canyon, the people building it have to know how much tension its cables can actually hold.

The same is true for us.

Stretching Into Yourself Instead of Past Yourself

At one stage of the bridge-building process, enormous handmade cables are stretched. Groups of men pull from opposite ends, creating the tension the cables will eventually need to carry the bridge across the canyon.

That image has made me think differently about the way we stretch ourselves in relationships.

Imagine the kind of stretch you give your body when you first get out of bed in the morning. It can feel wonderful. You’re stretching into your body. Now imagine stretching past what your body can sustain. At some point, stretching stops creating strength and starts causing injury. Emotionally, we can do exactly the same thing.

After betrayal, you may tell yourself you need to be more patient. More forgiving. More understanding. Maybe you need to analyze the situation a little longer, tolerate a little more uncertainty, or give your partner more time.

Sometimes that’s true.

But sometimes you’re no longer stretching into greater capacity. You’re stretching past yourself—past what you know, what you feel, what you value, or what you can currently tolerate. Learning to recognize the difference is at the heart of rebuilding self-trust.

What Do You Know About You

I once worked with a woman who had become consumed with figuring out whether she could trust her partner.

There were good reasons for her uncertainty. He hadn’t lied about everything. In many ways he could be loving, reliable, and present. That actually made things harder. There wasn’t a giant neon sign telling her what to do.

Instead, there were things that didn’t quite add up. Promises that didn’t become action. Conversations that reassured her temporarily, only to leave her with the same uneasy feeling a few weeks later.

She kept asking herself, Can I trust him?

Finally, I asked her a different question:

What do you know?

She immediately started telling me what she knew about him.

I stopped her.

No. What do you know about you?

And she knew.

She knew how much energy she was spending trying to convince herself she should be okay with something she wasn’t okay with. She knew she didn’t believe certain things he was telling her. She knew she was trying to talk herself out of her own disbelief because living with uncertainty was so uncomfortable.

That was the stretch.

Not forcing herself to decide whether he was trustworthy. Not gathering enough evidence to prove her case. The stretch was allowing herself to know what she knew without immediately knowing what she had to do about it.

Self-Trust Isn’t Certainty

This may be one of the biggest misunderstandings we have about trusting ourselves. We think self-trust means knowing the answer. It doesn’t. Self-trust doesn’t mean you’ll never misjudge someone. It doesn’t mean you’ll never make a decision you regret. It doesn’t mean you’ll always know whether to stay or leave. You can love someone and know the relationship isn’t working.You can desperately want something to change and know it hasn’t changed yet. You can have hope and still pay attention to reality. You can even decide to stay for a while—to watch, wait, gather information, and have more experiences—and still be trusting yourself.

Self-trust isn’t certainty. It’s the willingness to stop arguing with yourself about what you already know.

Sometimes what you know is simply: I don’t know yet.

And that matters too.

Hope Is Not the Same as Self-Abandonment

Hope is necessary when you’re rebuilding after infidelity. You’re trying to create something that doesn’t exist yet, so of course you have to imagine that something different is possible. The question isn’t whether you have hope.

The question is: What does your hope require you to do to yourself?

Can you remain hopeful while also saying, This is what I see. This is what I need. This is what’s happening right now. And I don’t know what will happen next?

Or does hope require you to keep moving your own line? To say something doesn’t matter when it does? To accept explanations you don’t actually believe? To convince yourself you can live without something you know you need? To keep waiting for tomorrow to make today okay? That’s where hope can quietly turn into self-abandonment. You don’t have to give up hope to trust yourself. You simply have to remain in contact with yourself while you’re hoping.

Self-Trust Matters for the Person Who Cheated, Too

There’s another crisis of self-trust that happens after infidelity, and we don’t talk about it nearly enough. If you’re the person who had the affair, you may be asking yourself: How could I have done this? How could I have lied to someone I love? And perhaps the most frightening question of all: How do I know I won’t do it again?

The temptation is to answer that question with a promise: I will never do this again.

But a promise alone isn’t enough.

Most people who have affairs didn’t begin by deciding to create a secret life. It happened through a series of smaller moments: noticing an attraction and dismissing it, deleting a message, withholding information, rationalizing a conversation, crossing one line and then moving the line. Eventually, you can become extraordinarily skilled at one thing:

Not listening to yourself.

That’s why rebuilding self-trust isn’t primarily about convincing yourself that you’re a good person—or condemning yourself as a terrible one. It’s about learning to hear yourself sooner. Can you notice when you’re beginning to hide? Can you recognize when you’re rationalizing? Can you tolerate the tension of disappointing someone rather than deceiving them? Can you say, I’m lonely. I’m angry. I’m attracted to someone else. Something in this relationship isn’t working for me? Can you tell a difficult truth before you’ve built a secret life around avoiding it?

That is self-trust too.

The Bridge Back to Yourself

In this sense, both partners are doing different versions of the same work. If you were betrayed, you’re learning: When something in me knows, I will listen. If you betrayed your partner, you’re learning: When something in me knows, I will stop hiding from it. Neither requires perfection. You notice. You tell yourself the truth. You tolerate the discomfort of that truth. And then you try to act in ways that don’t require you to leave yourself behind. And when you realize that you have left yourself behind?

You come back.

That’s how trust is built. Not through certainty. Not through promises that you’ll never make another mistake. Not by demanding that you know today whether your relationship will survive. You don’t have to know how the story ends. You only have to be willing to tell yourself the truth about where you are in the story today. The enormous cables of the Inca bridge in Peru have to hold tremendous tension. Eventually, they will carry the weight of the bridge and everyone who walks across it. But their strength doesn’t come from stretching them endlessly. Pull a cable beyond what it can sustain and it doesn’t become stronger. It breaks. Neither do you become more trustworthy to yourself by demanding that you tolerate more and more, know everything, never make a mistake, or guarantee what happens next.

Self-trust is different. Withy self-trust you say:  I will listen to myself. I will tell myself the truth. I will notice when I’m rationalizing, hiding, explaining away, or moving my own lines. And when I realize I’ve stepped away from myself, I will come back.

Because before you build the bridge back to another person, there is another bridge that matters even more.

The bridge back to yourself.

Are you ready to learn more? Reach out to Miriam here for a free 30 minute consultation.

Are you ready to join one of our groups? Read here to learn more.

The post The First Person You Need to Trust After Infidelity Is Yourself appeared first on Miriam Bellamy.

We’ve Been Taught to Mistrust Feelings

One of the biggest mistakes we make after infidelity is assuming that our emotions are getting in the way of healing. We want the fear to settle down. We want the anger to stop. We want the sadness to loosen its grip so that we can finally think clearly and decide what to do.

It’s understandable. The emotional intensity after betrayal can be unlike anything you’ve ever experienced. People describe panic attacks, sleepless nights, intrusive thoughts, and a profound sense that they’ve somehow lost themselves. Others find themselves desperately trying to make the relationship feel safe again, believing that if they can just fix the marriage, these feelings will finally disappear.

But what if we’ve misunderstood our emotions altogether?

What if the problem isn’t that we’re feeling too much? What if the real problem is that we’ve never learned what our feelings are trying to tell us?

For years, I’ve watched couples work incredibly hard to control or manage their emotions. They try to calm themselves down before speaking, avoid upsetting each other, or suppress feelings that seem too dangerous to express. While those strategies may provide temporary relief, they rarely create lasting change because they don’t address what the emotions are actually asking for.

Our feelings aren’t random. They didn’t evolve simply to make life miserable. They are part of an extraordinarily sophisticated guidance system that has helped human beings survive, connect, and make wise decisions for thousands of generations. The difficulty is that most of us have never been taught their language.

There’s another distinction that’s easy to miss. We often confuse our feelings with our interpretations of those feelings. Someone might say, “I feel abandoned.” But abandonment isn’t actually a feeling. It’s a conclusion. Underneath it may be sadness, fear, anger, grief, or several emotions at once. When we begin to recognize those emotions instead of stopping at our interpretations, something starts to shift. We become less focused on proving our story and more interested in understanding ourselves.

That shift changes the conversation, both internally and with the people we love.

The Untanglers

Last year, while watching the annual rebuilding of the Q’eswachaka Bridge in Peru, I noticed something I hadn’t expected. As enormous grass ropes were being braided into the bridge’s support cables, another group of people stood farther down the road making sure those ropes didn’t become tangled. Their work looked almost insignificant compared to the heavy lifting happening upstream, but without them the entire project would have stalled.

Relationships need untanglers too.

Sometimes those untanglers are wise therapists, trusted friends, or mentors who help us slow down enough to think clearly. But I’ve come to believe that some of the most important untanglers already exist within us. Our emotions, when we learn how to listen to them instead of fighting them, begin separating what belongs to us from what belongs to someone else. They help us distinguish between our fear and our spouse’s fear, our sadness and their shame, our anger and their defensiveness.

That kind of clarity doesn’t immediately repair a marriage, but it does begin repairing something just as important: your relationship with yourself.

Calling in the Troops

This doesn’t mean the emotional pain of infidelity should simply be endured. In many cases, the intensity is so overwhelming that outside help is essential. Therapy, neurofeedback, medication, EMDR, breathwork, trusted relationships, and other forms of support can provide the stability needed to begin thinking clearly again. There is no shame in calling in the troops when your nervous system has been overwhelmed.

But once you’ve regained enough footing to become curious about your emotions rather than simply surviving them, a different kind of healing begins. Instead of asking, “How do I stop feeling this?” you begin asking, “What is this feeling trying to show me?”

That question changes everything.

Healing after infidelity isn’t about becoming someone who no longer feels deeply. It’s about becoming someone who can listen to those feelings, understand them, and let them guide wiser decisions. In my experience, that’s one of the first steps toward rebuilding trust—not just with another person, but with yourself.

Continue the Journey

Healing after infidelity isn’t about finding the perfect answer. It’s about becoming the kind of person who can bear the tension, listen deeply to yourself, and make wise decisions from a place of clarity and self-awareness.

If this article resonated with you, I’d love to continue the conversation.

• Read my book, The Bridge: Discover the Surprising Power of Tension in Healing After Infidelity, for a deeper exploration of these ideas.
• Listen to the Bridgecraft podcast for practical conversations about trust, betrayal, and becoming more fully yourself.
• Learn about therapy and betrayal recovery groups if you’re looking for support as you navigate this journey.

You don’t have to figure this out alone. Whether you’re trying to rebuild your relationship or simply rebuild yourself, there is hope, and there is a way forward.

The post Your Feelings Aren’t the Problem appeared first on Miriam Bellamy.

I recently returned from Peru, where I witnessed, for the second time, the rebuilding of the Q’eswachaka Bridge, the last remaining handwoven Incan rope bridge still reconstructed each year using traditional methods.

The experience was physically demanding, emotionally moving, and unexpectedly validating of something I have spent decades helping couples understand: healing after infidelity requires a very different relationship with tension than most people imagine.

In fact, this bridge has become the central metaphor in my book, The Bridge: Discover the Surprising Power of Tension in Healing After Infidelity.

Why Rebuilding Trust After Infidelity Feels So Hard

When couples begin affair recovery, both partners are usually desperate for relief.

The betrayed partner often wants answers. They want details. They want to understand what happened, why it happened, and whether it could happen again. They are trying to make sense of something that has shattered their sense of safety and trust.

The partner who had the affair often wants relief too. They may feel guilt, shame, regret, or fear. They want to stop causing pain. They want to reassure their spouse. They want the relationship to feel normal again.

Both people want the suffering to end.

The problem is that they often move in opposite directions.

One partner is trying to move toward the pain in order to understand it.

The other is trying to move away from the pain in order to stop it.

As a marriage therapist who specializes in infidelity recovery, I see this dynamic constantly. Couples become locked in a painful cycle where each person’s attempt to feel better unintentionally makes things worse.

The Mistake Most Couples Make After an Affair

Most couples believe that healing requires reducing tension.

They believe that if they can finally get the right answer, say the right thing, forgive quickly enough, stop asking questions, stop talking about the affair, or stop feeling angry, they can finally move forward.

But healing after betrayal doesn’t work that way.

The old relationship has been damaged.

The old bridge is gone.

And a new bridge cannot be built by pretending the damage never happened nor by diving into it to such a degree that you can no longer breathe.

The Surprising Role of Tension in Relationship Healing

The Q’eswachaka Bridge is a tension bridge.

Its strength comes not from eliminating tension but from harnessing it.

The same is true for rebuilding trust after infidelity.

Healthy healing requires a different kind of tension.

The tension of honesty.

The tension of genuine accountability.

The tension of authenticity.

The tension of hearing something difficult without immediately defending yourself.

The tension of speaking your truth without demanding that your partner agree with you.

The tension of remaining connected while also remaining fully yourself.

Many couples spend enormous amounts of energy trying to manage each other’s feelings. One partner tries to reduce the other’s pain. The other tries to reduce their own anxiety by seeking certainty. Neither approach ultimately creates trust.

Trust grows when two people become more honest, more grounded, and more capable of tolerating discomfort without trying to force the other person to change.

Why Authenticity Rebuilds Trust

There is an inherent tension that comes with authenticity.

It is difficult to say:

“I’m afraid.”

“I don’t know.”

“I’m ashamed.”

“I still have questions.”

“I’m angry.”

“I’m hurt.”

“I need something different.”

These conversations are uncomfortable.

But they are also the conversations that create intimacy.

Trust is not rebuilt because someone says the perfect thing. Trust is rebuilt because people repeatedly demonstrate that they are willing to tell the truth, face difficult emotions, and remain present when the conversation becomes uncomfortable.

Over time, those moments become the strands from which a new relationship is woven.

The Bridge Between Betrayal and Healing

Standing above a canyon in the Peruvian Andes, watching community members rebuild a bridge by hand, I couldn’t help but think about the couples I work with every day.

The process is demanding.

It requires patience.

It requires courage.

It requires support from a larger community.

And it requires people to tolerate tension rather than run from it.

The bridge isn’t strong despite the tension.

It is strong because of it.

The same may be true of your relationship.

If you are recovering from infidelity, struggling with betrayal trauma, or trying to rebuild trust after an affair, the goal may not be to eliminate tension.

The goal may be to learn how to hold it differently.

Because the path forward is not found by making the tension disappear.

Just like a bridge.

Contact us to get started today or start by learning more about how infidelity counseling might work for you.

The post Healing After Infidelity appeared first on Miriam Bellamy.

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Bridgecraft: The Art of Human Connection is a podcast about what it truly takes to rebuild trust after it has been broken.

https://www.buzzsprout.com/2603001/episodes/18843755

If you are here, chances are something in your relationship has ruptured—through infidelity, betrayal, or the slow erosion of connection. Many couples searching for infidelity therapy find themselves in the raw aftermath of discovery, unsure of what to do next.

In those early stages, couples are often pushed toward quick fixes: total transparency, constant monitoring, and urgent attempts to repair the relationship at all costs. One partner becomes the penitent. The other becomes the warden. Both become exhausted—and neither truly feels safe.

Therapist and author Miriam Bellamy, LMFT, offers a different approach to infidelity therapy.

Rather than rushing to repair the relationship, Bridgecraft invites you to pause. Lasting trust cannot be rebuilt between two people until each person learns how to stand firmly on their own ground again—sometimes for the first time in their lives.

Drawing on nearly three decades of experience in marriage counseling and infidelity therapy, Miriam guides listeners through the emotional and relational terrain that follows betrayal. She speaks directly to both partners: the one who was betrayed and the one who stepped outside the relationship.

Each episode explores what it takes to:

• Rebuild self-trust after infidelity
• Navigate the emotional aftermath of betrayal
• Avoid common mistakes in infidelity recovery
• Develop emotional clarity and stronger relationship boundaries

A central inspiration for Bridgecraft comes from the Q’eswachaka bridge in the Peruvian Andes—a handwoven grass bridge rebuilt every year for more than six centuries by four Incan communities.

Unlike modern bridges, it is never repaired.

Each year, the old bridge is cut away completely, and a new one is woven from gathered grasses, careful intention, and communal effort.

This ancient practice offers a powerful metaphor for infidelity recovery and relationship repair. Trust cannot simply be patched back together. The old structure must be released so something new—something stronger and more intentional—can be built in its place.

Bridgecraft walks listeners through this rebuilding process step by step: gathering the self after betrayal, learning from emotions rather than suppressing them, and developing the inner steadiness that allows real connection to emerge again.

Miriam offers a vision of relationship that moves beyond “go along to get along.”

Instead, this work—at the heart of effective infidelity therapy—invites each person to stand firmly in their own integrity, bringing their full, honest self into the relationship.

Because real connection is not built on compliance or appeasement.

It is built on two people who are strong enough to truly be themselves.

This podcast is not about quick fixes or perfect relationships.

It is about learning how to live and love with greater honesty, courage, and self-respect.

Because when trust breaks, the old bridge is gone.

But with patience, clarity, and intention, a new one can be woven.

Contact Me

Offices:

410 9th St, Golden, CO 80401
3855 Shallowford Rd Suite 420, Marietta, GA 30062
13660 Leyden Ct, Thornton, CO 80602

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The post Bridgecraft Episode 1: A Different Path Through Infidelity Therapy and Rebuilding Trust appeared first on Miriam Bellamy.

Hope After Betrayal

Couples in affair recovery who are eventually able to trust each other, have done so slowly and deliberately. There is a dedication. A focus. And after years of working with one couple and another, I see each new relationship as its own work of art. A work of simplicity. Even though the road there had serious ups and downs…and extraordinary pain. The path forward is like hiking. One step at a time. Each new stone that must be trod. The heat that threatens to take you down. Each new incline. Each new seemingly uncrossable hitch in the road. The quiet that begins to develop. The peace after so much time and effort. It is a meditation on humility. On grace. On acceptance of being human. Walking…and weaving…weaving a self together. Weaving a soul back together. And then weaving a bridge back to each other.

[Please note: Speaking about “soul” does not denote that this is a religious practice. But many couples who are going through infidelity are so overwhelmed and in such pain that they often seek something outside conventional ways of viewing relationships to help them get through. I see recovery as mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual work. I embrace any and all faith traditions that nourish my clients.]

The Bridge at Q’Eswachaka

Every year three Incan communities come together in June to remake the bridge at Q’Eswachaka. They cut down the old bridge from the year before and weave a new one across the canyon. The process is deliberate, painstaking, and slow. It takes everyone from each of these communities to complete the process. The most compelling part of this engineering feat is the preparation of the cords, ropes, and cables that make up the foundation of the bridge. Each rope twisted together into small braids, then twisted together into larger ropes consisting of 30 of these braids. Three of these fat ropes are then braided into the large cables. Once the cables are braided together, 40 or 50 men pull and stretch the cables as if in a tug-of-war. The cables must be pulled and stretched to strengthen them. Unless they are tested, the final bridge would sag and become dangerous to walk on.

Much like the work on the self during affair recovery, you must be pulled and stretched. You must be made into something strong and dependable. Both of you. Where I think couples can get into trouble is when people are stretched too thin. They are stretched beyond their limits. Beyond what is helpful…and strengthening. The good news is that there are things you might be able to do now that will help you get closer to the strength you each need to develop.

One of the most common ways I see people being stretched beyond their limits is when they are trying to get to trust too quickly. The most common manifestation of this is when the partner who has been betrayed is working, consciously or not, to force the truth out of their spouse. It’s a vicious loop you might be caught in even now. Perhaps you ask them a question, and something just doesn’t feel right. They look away or the tone changes or perhaps you have data they don’t know you have. You are testing them. You want to know they will tell you the truth from here on out. You want to know…you can trust them. It’s hard to face the fact that you don’t. You…don’t…trust…them. And you don’t know what that means for the relationship. Not trusting them feels so profoundly painful, you want to do something about it. You don’t know how a relationship can go forward without trust. So you test. You search. You may even call it an effort to rebuild trust. You want to see if it’s really true—if you really can’t trust them…when you already know…that you don’t. Accepting that doesn’t hinder progress. It propels you forward. Because it’s honest. Because it takes courage. And, if nothing else, trust takes courage. Like a lighthouse on a stormy sea, endlessly sweeping its beam across the waters, you might feel like you are searching for something that could be lurking just beyond the horizon, even though the storm before you is evident. You check every text, every email, every ATM withdrawal to see if there are any exceptions. Any possibility that there is hope. The hope lies not in whether they are telling the truth, but in whether you can accept your own truth. If you can face and accept your own truth—that you no longer trust them. You…don’t…trust…them. Do you trust yourself on that? Can you develop the courage to trust yourself?

If you can learn to accept that trust is truly broken, then you move to the next dilemma. How can you live day-to-day in a marriage without trust? Several clients I’m working with right now have come up with a solution. A temporary one, but still a solution. They consider the marriage they had to be over. The bridge has been cut down. And they are working on letting it go. They are learning to let go of chasing the spouse for facts. They are learning to trust themselves. And they are interacting from a place inside themselves that is still forming. A place of self-trust. A place where they are learning to say no. Where they are learning their limits. What they can and can’t do, say, think, and feel. Honoring their limits is strengthening. Stretching beyond them is weakening.

If you are stuck in your affair recovery, consider that it might be because you are resisting letting go of the old bridge. Resisting letting go of what is broken. Resisting venturing into unknown territory.

If you would like help with this letting go—or with this unknown territory—please reach out. There is work to be done here, and it’ll more productive and helpful for you and for your marriage than holding on to a bridge that is broken.

Let’s talk on the phone for a free 15-minute consultation to see if I can add something to the work you are doing. I think I can. And I think you will be propelled forward in your affair recovery work.

Fill out our contact form here: https://miriambellamy.com/golden-co/

Or reach out directly: 303-222-5118 OR mrbellamy924@gmail.com

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Is There Hope After Infidelity?

I get asked this question a lot. I answer it with a question: hope for what? Depending on the phase of affair recovery you are in, you may be hoping for different things. The early phases are disorienting. One or both of you may still be in shock. If you’re upside down and spinning in what might feel like a head on collision, what are you hoping for? It could be that the only thing you are capable of hoping for right now is for the spinning to stop. For your body to stop hurting. For sleep to return. For appetite to return. In my experience over 26 years of practice, this phase can take months. Prioritizing yourself and any self-care is a must. Therapy is essential—whether by yourself or as a couple.

If you are in the next phase of affair recovery, your biggest hope might be for your old life back. For the old relationship stability. Anything but this. You might be hoping for some semblance of trust to return…to know that what your spouse is saying to you is the truth. And so you ask your questions, over and over, looking for any anomalies. Searching for what fits and what doesn’t. You may check their phones. Their bank accounts. Their location. You want to know the truth. You want to have an inkling you can move forward on solid ground.

But you can’t quite get to it. You can’t quite feel things are OK or are going to be OK. Every time something doesn’t seem to fit. Every time you find out a new detail. Every time they turn from you instead of towards you. There’s a reason for this. There’s a reason you can’t get back to even a semblance of normal. It’s not because you are doing something wrong. It’s not because they are. It’s because you’re both trying to hold onto something that can’t be held. Trying to hold on to a relationship that has been broken. The painful yet hopeful truth is, letting go of that broken relationship is the key to building a new one.

The confusing bit is that there are still parts of that old relationship that remain intact. You have a history together. You may have kids. Extended families. Finances. Friends. You may even work together. All of that is still there, but you may not know what it means anymore. Learning what all of these things mean anew is a task for much later in your journey. For now, it helps people to push the pause button on this hope for the future of the relationship—for trust to return. And to replace that hope with a hope for yourself. For your own recovery. For learning to trust yourself again.

For learning…to trust…yourself again.

The most powerful affair recovery work

Learning to trust yourself is the quickest and most powerful way back to each other…if back to each other is where this is going to go. Trust in yourself has many different manifestations. It can look like a new ability to say no. It can look like you learning what your true values are and living them—even if it means disappointing others in your life. It can look like more open communication—letting others see what your true thoughts and feelings are. Whatever it is, it will be yours.

If this post was helpful to you, let me know. Send me an email or fill out the contact form. I’m here. And I want to help you. Let’s see if we are a good fit for the work you want to do.

For Colorado: https://miriambellamy.com/golden-co/

For Georgia: https://miriambellamy.com/marietta-ga/

Email: mrbellamy924@gmail.com

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For many people, their perception of PTSD comes from the way the media depicts it. Often, PTSD, or post-traumatic stress disorder, is shown as something that commonly impacts soldiers who go to war, police officers, firefighters, or paramedics.

Unfortunately, there are many more examples of what can cause PTSD. Some common instances of PTSD are car accidents, witnessing or being the victim of a crime, abuse of any kind, or surviving a natural disaster. It can happen to anyone, at any age, for any reason. Trauma, after all, is an emotional response to a highly distressing situation or event.

When it comes to infidelity, trauma is a normal yet agonizing and torturous reaction. If you think you are experiencing PTSD symptoms after infidelity, you are not alone.

Signs of PTSD

First, we’ll start with the basics of PTSD. No two people will experience PTSD after the affair in the same way. With that said, there are symptoms that people commonly experience. These may include:

• Flashbacks
• Nightmares
• Intrusive thoughts
• Insomnia
• Stomach aches
• Headaches
• Muscle tension
• Stimming (a range of repetitive movements and behaviors)
• Avoidant behaviors
• Anger, irritability, or rage
• Appetite changes
• Unhealthy coping mechanisms (such as alcohol or substance use)
• Withdrawing from support systems or social circles

Infidelity PTSD Symptoms

The phrase “broken heart” minimizes the real trauma caused by infidelity. Everything you thought you knew about your marriage now feels wrong. The disorientation is profound. In fact, you might look up the book: Post Infidelity Stress Disorder by Dennis C. Ortman.

You may have painful flashbacks. Or, you may have intrusive thoughts that you can’t get out of your mind. It’s not uncommon to experience symptoms similar to depression, such as appetite changes or loss of interest in activities. Panic attacks, extreme insomnia, and other health issues are not uncommon.

Experiencing any type of trauma leaves you stuck in a cycle of ruminating on painful thoughts. You might cycle through thousands of what-if questions or may even place the blame on yourself. “Maybe if I had just…or what if they had…” Treating trauma involves not only high-quality psychotherapy, it may also require direct support to heal the brain such as neurofeedback, psychedelic assisted psychotherapy, or EMDR—three proven methods for treating PTSD.

How to Move Forward After Infidelity

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

If you are like most couples, you are wondering if you should leave the marriage or stay and try to work it out. The more important question, however, isn’t should I stay or should I go. The more important question is: regardless of whether I stay or if I go, who will I become in this process? Who do I yearn to become? This is a question that infidelity counseling can help with. An unbiased third party can help you both address the underlying issues and find a peaceful resolution that will work for the betterment of you both. But treating the trauma directly will be key.

There is nothing like the perspective infidelity brings. Take your time. You don’t have to make big decisions now. Unless you are ready. Seeking help to navigate all the stages of healing and recovery—whether married or divorced—can give you the strength you need.

Learn more about overcoming infidelity PTSD with infidelity counseling or contact me to get started.

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If you are struggling in a marriage with infrequent or no sex, you are not alone. Sexual incompatibilities can cause deep tension and open conflict or can be a silent and lurking issue that is difficult to discuss. In either case, the loneliness and fear can be overwhelming at times.    

Since sex is often considered taboo to talk about, we don’t usually hear a lot of discussion about sexless marriages. Even though it isn’t talked about very much, sexless marriages or relationships are more common than many people are led to believe. We are often led to believe that physical intimacy is something that comes naturally and frequently for couples, but this isn’t true. Sexual intimacy takes work. Depending on you and your marriage, there are various considerations to be made. 

Ways to Begin to Address a Sexless Marriage:

1. Pause

The urge to fix things in a sexless marriage can be intense. Instead of jumping to solutions, first pause. Put effort into observing your emotional intensity. What are the feelings? What do you do with the feelings? 

2. Learn how to honor your emotions 

Karla McLaren, author of The Language of Emotions, proposes that emotions are one form of intelligence and that each emotion has a particular set of questions and messages for you. I recommend purchasing her book or looking for her short videos on YouTube. What needs to be honored? What needs to be restored?

3. Study the emotional vortex

The emotional vortex is a concept that’s been studied for decades now by family therapists. It is officially known as the family emotional system, but I call it the emotional vortex. It is the experience we have that our marital problems seem to have a life of their own. The more we try to change them, the more they seem to stay the same. The idea is that the whole is greater than the sum of the parts. And it’s the feeling that your marriage has YOU rather than you having it. It’s not pleasant, but it can be studied. There are predictable patterns you can identify. Four of them to be precise: distance, conflict, borrowed functioning, and emotional triangles. When you can begin to identify these patterns, you can begin to change them.

4. Deliberate Disruption

Real change occurs in four stages. The four stages of change. It starts with one person disrupting the status quo. It means that something has truly changed within them. Something they can no longer do. Something they can no longer hide. The predictable second stage is that there is a “change back” reaction. The emotional vortex rears up and says “don’t do that…don’t change the status quo.” Stage three involves a choice: does the person who has made the change stick with it? If they do it takes them to stage four which is change. If one person sticks with the changes that they are making, if they do not cave to the pressure, then the entire system starts functioning better. 

5. Therapy to help you stick with the changes

This is a complex process. An experienced therapist can help. You can go at your own pace. In fact, an experienced therapist will help you take conversations about this sensitive topic slowly and with dignity and respect.

Learn more about marriage counseling or contact me to get started!

The post 5 Ways to Repair a Sexless Marriage appeared first on Miriam Bellamy.

At some point, most people will go through something traumatic at least once in their life. While trauma, in general, is complex, someone can also experience C-PTSD.

Many first responders and others who have experienced trauma don’t like to call it a disorder though. The reactions they are experiencing do not denote a disorder but rather a normal response to trauma.

What Is PTSD or Just “Post Traumatic Stress”?

First, we’ll start with some basics. Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) occurs after someone experiences a highly emotional or distressing event. Some of the most common examples that can cause PTSD or post-traumatic stress are:

• Car accidents
• Witnessing or being the victim of a crime
• Surviving a natural disaster
• Sexual assault
• Death of a loved one

The common factor with all of these is that they are singular events. While many of these things can happen multiple times throughout somebody’s lifetime, the initial exposure is only once.

Signs of PTSD or Post Traumatic Stress

Now, even though those events are singular, that doesn’t mean they have little to no impact. The important thing to remember is that no two people will experience trauma in the same exact way. Common signs of post-traumatic stress may include:

• Nightmares
• Flashbacks
• “Stimming”
• Intrusive thoughts
• Insomnia
• Avoidance behaviors
• Muscle tension
• Appetite changes
• Gastrointestinal issues

What Is C-PTSD?

Above, we talked about events that are typically singular. While each situation is complex, C-PTSD or Complex Post Traumatic Stress refers to something different.

Complex post-traumatic stress is caused by continuous exposure to a certain situation or event. Some classic examples of this are:

• Childhood abuse
• Childhood neglect
• Domestic or physical abuse
• Emotional or verbal abuse
• Sexual abuse
• Being exposed to suffering such as a firefighter, police officer, or paramedic
• Being exposed to war, such as a soldier or a civilian

Signs of C-PTSD

In addition to the signs of PTSD we outlined above, someone who is experiencing C-PTSD may experience:

• Extreme irritability
• Dissociation
• Social isolation or withdrawal
• Development of unhealthy coping mechanisms such as drinking or substance abuse.

Can You Heal From C-PTSD?

While you may have been exposed to repeated trauma, that doesn’t mean you are stuck with the symptoms for the rest of your life. Healing from any trauma is possible.

In both PTSD and C-PTSD, healing won’t be an overnight process. As much as we wish it could be, the impact of trauma reaches far too deep to be a quick fix. One of the best and most effective ways to begin healing from trauma is through therapeutic intervention. However, although therapy is a great option, you can still do things independently in between sessions to help facilitate this process.

Effective Therapies for Treating Trauma

1. Therapy

People who have gone through something traumatic tend to blame themselves. They feel guilty and question themselves on what they could have done differently to prevent the trauma from occurring. Talk therapy with the right therapist is a powerful place to talk through and change this narrative.

2. Neuroptimal® Neurofeedback

Neuroptimal® neurofeedback is a unique approach in the field of neurofeedback. It is the most advanced algorithm and is based on the individual rather than on statistical norms or the skill of a practitioner. If you are interested in research, reach out to us. We have powerful studies from the Cloud Nine project assisting first responders to heal from trauma.

3. Theatre

Research supports theatre as a powerful intervention for healing from post-traumatic stress. Being able to take on other identities—to feel like a king or a queen or a simple farmer—can access and strengthen different parts of the brain to enhance healing.

4. EMDR

EMDR is a well-established approach to helping with post-traumatic stress. It seems like a strange approach, but research supports the results. Be sure to find a practitioner who is well trained and has years of experience with your particular kind of trauma.

5. Psychedelics

Psychedelic assisted psychotherapy is backed by decades of science. These medicines support the healing process for people who have often tried to find healing and relief for years. Please see our psychedelics information page to learn more.

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