“A problem well-defined is half solved.”
—William Kettering
Most couples come to me with a deep feeling of disconnection and loneliness in their marriages. They feel emotionally disconnected from their spouse, and most of them have been trying to get connected for many years. They’ve been trying to figure out how to reconnect with each other, often to no avail.
Perhaps you feel the same way. You’ve tried date nights. You’ve had a thousand conversations with each other. You’ve tried spending more time together or communicating differently. Maybe you’ve even tried conventional marriage therapy. Yet you go to sleep night after night with a feeling of emptiness in your chest. Maybe you wonder if the relationship has died. Maybe in your loneliest moments you fear that it needs to. You may also be among the many people in a struggling marriage who wonder if something is wrong with either yourself or your partner. But nothing is wrong with either of you.
It’s the way you are defining the problem.
A problem well-defined is half solved. Think about it. If you have a flickering light, it could be faulty wiring or it could just be a bad bulb. If you define it as a wiring problem when it’s just a bad bulb, you are going to spend a lot of time spinning your wheels.
Why You Feel Disconnected From Your Spouse
Many married people feel like they aren’t connected to their spouses, but the truth is, they are! It’s just not the connection they want. A true lack of connection would be someone you never speak with. Someone you don’t know. Someone you’ve never met. Not someone you argue with or someone you think about constantly. Nor is it even someone you actively ignore. Ignoring requires a connection!
What we often call emotional disconnection in marriage may actually be a connection that has become painful or stuck. Constant conflict is a connection. Walking on eggshells is a connection. Pursuing someone who keeps pulling away is a connection. So is avoiding a difficult conversation because you already know how your spouse is likely to respond. These may not be the kinds of connection you want, but they are still connection.
So, if you are defining the problem as a lack of connection, and you try to get connected, you are really just pushing on something that’s already a bit tender. Something that’s already a bit painful.
Stop Trying to Reconnect With Your Spouse
So, stop trying to get connected!
And start learning to see the connection you already have. See the ache. Feel how charged your reactions are. Observe the speed at which your conversations proceed. Notice what happens to you and then how you react internally and externally when your spouse withdraws, criticizes, gets angry, becomes anxious, tries to fix things, or simply doesn’t respond in the way you hoped.
If you are having communication problems in your marriage, your answer isn’t another communication technique. And it isn’t to start walking on eggshells either. It’s not about becoming so careful that you change the connection from charged to flatlined. It’s about curiosity. It’s about self-respect. And it’s about your own authenticity.
Trying to get someone else to connect with you isn’t authenticity. It’s trying to get someone else to be authentic. Trying to avoid someone else to keep the peace isn’t peaceful. It’s trying to get someone else to be peaceful.
Start With the Connection That’s Already Here
Maybe the place to begin isn’t by asking, How do we reconnect? Maybe it’s by becoming curious about the connection that is already here.
If you’d like more information about marriage therapy with Miriam, read more here.
If you’d like a deeper dive in this way of thinking about relationships, check out her book for couples dealing with broken trust here.
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