How to Recover from an Affair: Part 11

by | Neurofeedback

For the Cheating Spouse

A Leg to Stand On

I don’t often write posts specifically for the cheating spouse, although I think much of what I write is applicable to both spouses. In the past, writing specifically for the cheating spouse seems to get fairly strong reactions from betrayed spouses. But I think, in this 12-part series, it’s long overdue. I have cheating spouses who contact me regularly, who feel terrible and are stuck mentally and emotionally. They are doing their own grieving, have their own anxieties and self-doubts, and are in need of their own kind of healing. As I stated in the last post, a betrayed spouse does not want their cheating spouse in the dog house forever. The cost becomes too high over time. So, let’s explore ways out, where one can stand up right, on two legs and not four.

For the Cheating Spouse

Cheating spouses who are in affair recovery often ask themselves whythey did it. They wonder what kind of personthey must be to have done such a thing. I often find that these questions are not helpful—and I think asking good questions is key to growth. Asking bad questions can lead a person and a couple in circles for years. But how can one tell if a question is helpful or harmful?

I think it has to do with the kinds of answers that come up—and whether these answers lead one in circles or in more of a forward direction. Forward direction might, over time, look like forgiveness of self, greater clarity, more thoughtful observations vs. emotional reactions, and greater relaxation and openness in one’s relationships, including the marriage. Usually when people ask themselves why, they only come up with negative answers. Usually when people ask what-kind-of-a-person-does-this-make-me, the same happens. There are no helpful answers to these questions as inherent in the questions are the negative answers.

Some Better Questions for the Cheating Spouse to Ask

a couple talking on their couch

Questions that I think are complex and difficult but that seem to be more helpful include (and most of these really can be for the betrayed spouse OR for the cheating spouse:

  • (Literally, not rhetorically) What was I thinking at the time?
  • What lies was I telling myself?
  • What was going on in my life and in my family’s life at the time, and why did I feel so helpless about it?
  • Am I helpless?
  • How quickly do I jump to helplessness when I am stressed in the marriage?
  • Do I jump as quickly at work or in other areas of my life?
  • How quickly do I jump to be “helpful” or a fixer when stressed in my marriage?
  • What similarities to my parents’ relationship can I see in my relationships?
  • What emotions do I have when I’m under stress?
  • What emotional thoughts do I have when I’m under stress?
  • What are my goals for myself in this relationship? In other important relationships?
  • What are my life goals, and to what extent am I living according to those goals?

The “I” Position

To be clear, I’m not saying that these are THE questions to ask oneself or to discuss with your spouse. These are just some examples that may or may not fit perfectly for you and your situation. The essential factors in learning to ask yourself helpful questions are these:

  • Are the questions personal…are they about ME personally?
  • Do the questions imply self-blame?
  • Do the questions imply some kind of blame of my spouse?
  • Are the questions from a place openness and genuine curiosity?

As I have emphasized in all of the posts in this 12-part series, what you do with self or “I” is the most important, impactful thing you can do. It might also be the most difficult thing to “see” objectively though. Especially when dealing with infidelity. The tendency to blame your spouse or to blame yourself is enormous. Somehow, couples who come out of this alive are able to slowly, over time, take out the blame. I think asking more helpful questions is key to this process.

Belief #1: People do the best they can at any given moment. The-best-they-can does not always mean great, and sometimes it means terrible.

Belief #2: How a couple reacts to the affair is usually worse for them than the actual affair.

Belief #3: An affair is much bigger than just the two of you. It is a multigenerational balancing act gone off kilter.

Belief #4 Your family, including your family of origin, is your greatest resource in your healing and in your growth.

Belief #5: The challenge isn’t your spouse. The challenge is your own development as a human.

Belief #6: Nobody wins EVER in the blame game. Asking better—non-blaming—questions is an important effort to make and to sustain.

Be sure to check out our page on using neurofeedback to help with the triggers, the thought loops, and sleep. We run sessions in office, and we rent out systems across the country for at home neurofeedback. You can also contact me to get started.