The Bridge Back

Hope After Betrayal

Couples in affair recovery who are eventually able to trust each other, have done so slowly and deliberately. There is a dedication. A focus. And after years of working with one couple and another, I see each new relationship as its own work of art. A work of simplicity. Even though the road there had serious ups and downs…and extraordinary pain. The path forward is like hiking. One step at a time. Each new stone that must be trod. The heat that threatens to take you down. Each new incline. Each new seemingly uncrossable hitch in the road. The quiet that begins to develop. The peace after so much time and effort. It is a meditation on repentance. On humility. On acceptance of being human. Walking…and weaving…weaving a self together. Weaving a soul back together. And then weaving a bridge back to each other.

The Bridge at Q’Eswachaka

Every year three Incan communities come together in June to remake the bridge at Q’Eswachaka. They cut down the old bridge from the year before and weave a new one across the canyon. The process is deliberate, painstaking, and slow. It takes everyone from each of these communities to complete the process. The most compelling part of this engineering feat is the preparation of the cords, ropes, and cables that make up the foundation of the bridge. Each rope twisted together into small braids, then twisted together into larger ropes consisting of 30 of these braids. Three of these fat ropes are then braided into the large cables. Once the cables are braided together, 40 or 50 men pull and stretch the cables as if in a tug-of-war. The cables must be pulled and stretched to strengthen them. Unless they are tested, the final bridge would sag and become dangerous to walk on.

Much like the work on the self during affair recovery, you must be pulled and stretched. You must be made into something strong and dependable. Both of you. Where I think couples can get into trouble is when people are stretched too thin. They are stretched beyond their limits. Beyond what is helpful…and strengthening. The good news is that there are things you might be able to do now that will help you get closer to the strength you each need to develop.

One of the most common ways I see people being stretched beyond their limits is when they are trying to get to trust too quickly. The most common manifestation of this is when the partner who has been betrayed is working, consciously or not, to force the truth out of their spouse. It’s a vicious loop you might be caught in even now. Perhaps you ask them a question, and something just doesn’t feel right. They look away or the tone changes or perhaps you have data they don’t know you have. You are testing them. You want to know they will tell you the truth from here on out. You want to know…you can trust them. It’s hard to face the fact that you don’t. You…don’t…trust…them. And you don’t know what that means for the relationship. Not trusting them feels so profoundly painful, you want to do something about it. You don’t know how a relationship can go forward without trust. So you test. You search. You may even call it an effort to rebuild trust. You want to see if it’s really true—if you really can’t trust them…when you already know…that you don’t. Accepting that doesn’t hinder progress. It propels you forward. Because it’s honest. Because it takes courage. And, if nothing else, trust takes courage. Like a lighthouse on a stormy sea, endlessly sweeping its beam across the waters, you might feel like you are searching for something that could be lurking just beyond the horizon, even though the storm before you is evident. You check every text, every email, every ATM withdrawal to see if there are any exceptions. Any possibility that there is hope. The hope lies not in whether they are telling the truth, but in whether you can accept your own truth. If you can face and accept your own truth—that you no longer trust them. You…don’t…trust…them. Do you trust yourself on that? Can you develop the courage to trust yourself?

If you can learn to accept that trust is truly broken, then you move to the next dilemma. How can you live day-to-day in a marriage without trust? Several clients I’m working with right now have come up with a solution. A temporary one, but still a solution. They consider the marriage they had to be over. The bridge has been cut down. And they are working on letting it go. They are learning to let go of chasing the spouse for facts. They are learning to trust themselves. And they are interacting from a place inside themselves that is still forming. A place of self-trust. A place where they are learning to say no. Where they are learning their limits. What they can and can’t do, say, think, and feel. Honoring their limits is strengthening. Stretching beyond them is weakening.

If you are stuck in your affair recovery, consider that it might be because you are resisting letting go of the old bridge. Resisting letting go of what is broken. Resisting venturing into unknown territory.

If you would like help with this letting go—or with this unknown territory—please reach out. There is work to be done here, and it’ll more productive and helpful for you and for your marriage than holding on to a bridge that is broken.

Let’s talk on the phone for a free 15-minute consultation to see if I can add something to the work you are doing. I think I can. And I think you will be propelled forward in your affair recovery work.

Fill out our contact form here: https://miriambellamy.com/golden-co/

Or reach out directly: 303-222-5118 OR mrbellamy924@gmail.com