Your wedding day was the happiest day of your life.
You never thought you’d be here, navigating the tough road of infidelity.
Before now, you thought this betrayal would be an absolute deal breaker.
Now that you’re here, it’s different. Reconciling your marriage after infidelity isn’t off the table. In fact, it’s more of a consideration than you ever imagined. But how do you deal with such an intense, emotional, turbulent period in your marriage?
Every couple and every situation is completely unique. But marriage reconciliation after infidelity is possible.
Today I’m going to discuss five (very common) marriage reconciliation mistakes to avoid after infidelity and what you can do instead.
5 Marriage Reconciliation Mistakes To Avoid After Infidelity
Mistake #1: Rebuilding Trust
I know what you’re thinking, “what do you mean rebuilding trust is a mistake?”
Well, there are a few reasons rebuilding trust backfires. When you’re dealing with infidelity, trust is often completely broken.
If you’re the betrayed spouse you can’t shake that lingering feeling of mistrust. And you can inherently mistrust someone who’s working so damn hard to earn your trust back– as if it’s not genuine.
Or if you’re the unfaithful spouse you feel like you’re never going to earn back trust anyway so you just stop trying altogether.
Rebuilding trust has a high rate of failure if it’s forced. If you’re the betrayed spouse you might think “If I can just trust again, I’ll feel more secure and everything will be ok.”
Mistrust and anxiety can take on a life of their own in the marriage – overwhelming every aspect of it.
There’s good news! There are practical, actionable steps you can take (instead of just waiting around for trust to come back.)
What you can do instead: Address the integrity of your marriage and work on emotional maturity.
This is essential during times of turmoil and trauma.
Ways you can do this:
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- Let go of the notion that you can force trust to return.
- Make choices that are about your personal values and your personal journey.
- Express your thoughts and feelings without getting into blame and without emotional debate.
- Treat each other with compassion, empathy, and kindnes.1
- Learn to say “no’” in ways that are quiet and reflective rather than angry or rebellious.2
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Trust must emerge naturally –it takes time and effort.
Mistake #2: Respond to your spouse’s pain with reassurance and love
You may feel like this is exactly the right thing to do. Responding with reassurance and love is important. But the common view with this advice is that when you do this, you’ll bond securely and love will swoop in and save the day. This oversimplifies a very complicated situation. To be honest it’s pretty idealistic.
Rebuilding trust is extremely important. However, it should be the byproduct of the work – not the actual work itself. So how you do rebuild trust after infidelity?
What you can do instead: Learn to connect and respond to conflict
When you do this, real-world application is essential. It’s more effective to apply this in your everyday life – not just when you’re sitting in a therapist’s office.
Rebuilding connection is important because you’re more likely to approach conflict with calmness, empathy, and compassion. When you start to connect, it has to be self-directed and you need to go at your own pace. Marriage reconciliation after infidelity isn’t easy and everyone’s journey is going to be different. Be open and honest with your spouse about what you’re comfortable with in this process.
Mistake #3: Look to the cause of the affair
Pursuing answers from your spouse doesn’t help the marriage reconciliation process. It’s human nature to want to know why but it creates more distance in your marriage. Not sure about this? Spend a little time observing what happens between you when either of you pushes for an answer.
If you’re the unfaithful spouse you may feel uncomfortable sharing details or you might not have the answers.
If you’re the betrayed spouse these answers don’t help you process the hurt and betrayal. In fact, it’s likely going to hinder the marriage reconciliation process.
Pursuing these answers can lead you down a dead-end road instead of progressing forward.
What you can do instead: Develop a broader perspective of your marriage & reflect on the course of your relationship.
Developing a broader perspective is like getting a bird’s eye view of your marriage.
Look at the bigger picture and ask yourself:
- What do you want from the relationship?
- Why is reconciliation so important to you?
- What goals do you have for your marriage?
Reflect back on when things were going well:
- What can you do to get back to that place?
- Where did things go astray?
- Where do you want the relationship to go in the future?
Reflecting on the course of your relationship will actually help you stop looking for the cause of the infidelity and continue moving forward in your marriage.
Mistake #4: Dealing with your pain conventionally
Dealing with the pain of infidelity feels unbearable. It feels even worse when you’re given advice that doesn’t help. Such as you’re in control of your emotions and you need to learn to soothe yourself. This advice doesn’t help when you’re processing severe emotional pain.
You might be doing all the right things to deal with your pain like journaling, communicating with your spouse – even therapy.
If you’re trying this approach and it’s still not helping, here’s another way you can approach dealing with the emotional pain of infidelity.
What you can do instead: Integrate emotions with facts and logic.
Humans are emotional beings and, by definition, emotions are irrational. It’s easy to get caught up in your emotions so much that you make up stories in your mind based on your own fear and anxiety.
Integrating facts and logic allows you to look at a situation objectively before you create a runaway narrative in your head.
Here are a few ways you can learn to integrate emotions with facts and logic:
- Step outside your emotions and look for the facts. Ask yourself, “what are the facts I have that support these feelings?” If you don’t have any, you may be letting your own fear and anxiety take over.
- Use logical reasoning. If you have facts that support your feelings like you’re spouse said or did something to indicate there’s a problem, talk about it with them.
- Have an open discussion. Whether you have facts that support your feelings or you’re letting your own anxiety take over, have a discussion with your spouse. Open lines of communication can immediately resolve concerns and address anxiety.
Neurofeedback is a great tool that can help you manage negative thought patterns. Think about neurofeedback as giving you extra information to help you make more thoughtful decisions during stressful, emotional times.
Neuroptimal neurofeedback® can help you gain more clarity as it brings you back to the present moment and helps you manage negative thought loops that repeat over and over in your mind – thoughts that feed anger and resentment.3
After infidelity, marriage reconciliation is not a linear process. You’ll have ups and downs but having different tools in your toolbox will help you become less emotionally reactive so you can grow as a couple and as individuals.
Mistake # 5: Your focus is on recovery
Emotions are dynamic, and hurt and betrayal can be difficult to navigate. When you approach marriage reconciliation after infidelity with the mindset that you’ll completely recover, you might be setting yourself up for failure.
I’m not saying that you won’t recover and regain a happy and fulfilling marriage but a simple mindset shift will help you set realistic expectations and put less pressure on the reconciliation process.
What you can do instead: Understand that it’s about growth
This journey is about growth as individuals and growth as a couple.
If you start by taking the actionable steps discussed in this article, you’re well on your way to growing. Relationships are constantly changing. It’s hard to say exactly where you’ll be at the end of the reconciliation process but growth is inevitable.
The goal isn’t recovery but growth to move forward as you enter this new phase of your marriage.
Marriage Reconciliation After Infidelity: Next Steps
Marriage reconciliation after infidelity can be emotionally draining, intense, and difficult. This article gave you new ways to approach working through the most difficult time of your life.
Sometimes, you need more.
If you’re looking for more support, our staff of Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists have a combined 40+ years of experience. Our support goes beyond teaching simple communication skills.
We understand that relationships are complex. We work with your family as a unique family system to break negative patterns and navigate emotional pain.
We offer private, online infidelity counseling that you can do in the comfort of your own home.
If you’re ready to get more support, contact me or learn more about infidelity counseling!
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