You aren’t alone if you struggle to set boundaries in your relationship. Even when it comes to other types of relationships, like friendship, they aren’t easy to establish — especially if these boundaries weren’t set in the past.
The problem with boundaries is that we often assume that it’s about telling our partners what they can and can’t do. Nothing could be further from the truth. Boundaries are about us, what we can and cannot do.
When your partner is accustomed to you thinking, feeling, and acting in certain ways, new boundaries can be unsettling. They mark a turning point in a relationship. Establishing boundaries will help strengthen your relationship, but knowing how to do this is a completely different story.
How to Establish Boundaries In Your Relationship
Be Emotionally Honest
Emotional honesty is a core foundational skill that every relationship needs. Consider the times when you were going along with something that made you uncomfortable. Consider the interactions that make you feel anxious rather than peaceful or powerful.
Writing them down as you think about them might help. It is helpful to think about boundaries as the opposite of self-abandonment. They are rooted in self-respect. For example, you might let your partner know that you can’t cook dinner certain days of the week because you are overwhelmed. You might also let them know you can’t get the kids ready for school every day of the week. These are just examples.
Beginning with emotional honesty is a great first step to setting healthy boundaries. You aren’t doing anyone any favors by over extending yourself and then feeling resentful in the end.
Be Respectful
One component of setting healthy boundaries is being respectful toward your partner. When you are talking about important boundaries, remember to always show respect. Setting boundaries will only do you good if you follow this tip. Self-respect plus respectful communication.
It’s not uncommon for couples to approach the topic of boundaries with anger. They become frustrated when they think about how their wants and needs are unmet, and when the conversation pops up, it often begins more intensely than they’d like. Anger, in fact, is a signal that boundaries have been violated. It’s important to honor the emotion—and to honor your own boundaries without obliterating someone else’s.
Remember that if you haven’t verbally broached a specific topic, there could be a reaction from your partner. Even if you are respectful. In fact, if the boundary is enough of a change, you can count on their being a reaction from your partner. We call it the “change back” reaction. It is a pressure to not set your boundary and for things not to change. Expect this reaction. Be ready for it. If you can stick to your boundary without getting into criticism or emotional debate, your partner will most likely come to respect you and the new boundary.
Listen To Your Partner
Boundaries are not a one-way street. While your boundaries are important, so are your partner’s boundaries. Make sure that you consider your partner and their needs and wants.
Remember, Communication Isn’t Always Easy
Communication is a skill that takes time. Even if you have been together for a long time, there will be times when communication could be improved. There will be moments when you become reactive with each other or frustrated. This is normal. What’s important is revisiting the conversation when you are both calmer.
When learning to set boundaries with each other, understand that this is a process. Like everything else in life, it isn’t always going to run smoothly. However, when you both put in the effort, it will go a long way.
Consider Body Language and Tone
Yes, we verbalize our boundaries by expressing them out loud. The tone of your voice and body language also speaks volumes. Work towards observing yourself—and your spouse. Notice yourself. Notice them. Talk about the process. When couples talk about the process they are more successful at resolving problems.
For example, you can notice out loud that your voice is rising. You can say, “Oof, I’m noticing my tone of voice. I’m going to take a minute.” Or you can say, “Lord, I just realized I pointed my finger at you. Let me slow down here. What I mean to be communicating right now is…”
Your words may say one thing, but don’t discount the power of how you say them or what you do while you talk. Sometimes, it’s just as simple as rewording your phrases to come across differently or trying to relax in your seat.
Try Counseling
It’s common for a couple to become stuck in old cycles of not being emotionally honest, self-respectful or just plain respectful in their communication. If your relationship is struggling, you don’t need to stay stuck. Reach out to learn more about intensive couples therapy and how it can help strengthen your relationship.
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