Is There Hope After Infidelity?

I get asked this question a lot. I answer it with a question: hope for what? Depending on the phase of affair recovery you are in, you may be hoping for different things. The early phases are disorienting. One or both of you may still be in shock. If you’re upside down and spinning in what might feel like a head on collision, what are you hoping for? It could be that the only thing you are capable of hoping for right now is for the spinning to stop. For your body to stop hurting. For sleep to return. For appetite to return. In my experience over 26 years of practice, this phase can take months. Prioritizing yourself and any self-care is a must. Therapy is essential—whether by yourself or as a couple.

If you are in the next phase of affair recovery, your biggest hope might be for your old life back. For the old relationship stability. Anything but this. You might be hoping for some semblance of trust to return…to know that what your spouse is saying to you is the truth. And so you ask your questions, over and over, looking for any anomalies. Searching for what fits and what doesn’t. You may check their phones. Their bank accounts. Their location. You want to know the truth. You want to have an inkling you can move forward on solid ground.

But you can’t quite get to it. You can’t quite feel things are OK or are going to be OK. Every time something doesn’t seem to fit. Every time you find out a new detail. Every time they turn from you instead of towards you. There’s a reason for this. There’s a reason you can’t get back to even a semblance of normal. It’s not because you are doing something wrong. It’s not because they are. It’s because you’re both trying to hold onto something that can’t be held. Trying to hold on to a relationship that has been broken. The painful yet hopeful truth is, letting go of that broken relationship is the key to building a new one.

The confusing bit is that there are still parts of that old relationship that remain intact. You have a history together. You may have kids. Extended families. Finances. Friends. You may even work together. All of that is still there, but you may not know what it means anymore. Learning what all of these things mean anew is a task for much later in your journey. For now, it helps people to push the pause button on this hope for the future of the relationship—for trust to return. And to replace that hope with a hope for yourself. For your own recovery. For learning to trust yourself again.

For learning…to trust…yourself again.

The most powerful affair recovery work

Learning to trust yourself is the quickest and most powerful way back to each other…if back to each other is where this is going to go. Trust in yourself has many different manifestations. It can look like a new ability to say no. It can look like you learning what your true values are and living them—even if it means disappointing others in your life. It can look like more open communication—letting others see what your true thoughts and feelings are. Whatever it is, it will be yours.

If this post was helpful to you, let me know. Send me an email or fill out the contact form. I’m here. And I want to help you. Let’s see if we are a good fit for the work you want to do.

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